Twilighter's Anonymous
by WorseGamesToPlay
Summary: The story of a few Twilightaholics & the mischief they get into. Click here and find out. Special thanks to Jessie; and to a review I received which gave me the idea CHAPTER 15 the Bridzillas, and a new chapter about BD is now up! Read and Review! GO Read
1. Were going where?

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I walked through the door, coming in from school, to find my mom, dad, and sister suiting on the couch. As I put down my Books, and the bible I call Twilight, I look to there superfluous faces.

"What's up guys?" I questioned.

"Nothing how was your day?" My mom smiled slightly.

"It was great; Jackie and I had a discussion about how great Edward is. And then Jessie talked to me about the movie, and how great their topaz contacts look."

"Um honey, that's all very nice, but what did you do about your education in school." My dad seemed just as strange as my mom, as they questioned my sanity.

"Well, I read Wuthering heights, just like Bella!" Anything that reminded me about Twilight helped me get through the day.

"Ariana!" my sister screamed, "will you ever stop talking about Twat-light!" I gasped at her horrid name for something so, _dazzling._

"Mom, tell her she's an idiot who doesn't know what she is talking about." I couldn't believe her hurting me, and Edward, for that matter, in such a bad way.

"Well, Ari, I have to agree with her." My mom was so stupid. "So, I talked to Jackie's, Valerie's, and Jessie's parents, and they all think you four need help."

I laughed, "well, it's not like they have TA meetings like were alcoholics." Ha.

"Actually, these two psychologists saw the obsession in a high school, and decided to do something about it. Tomorrow you're going to Twilighters Anonymous." My dad seemed smug.

"You're kidding right?" Twilight is the best book, but I wasn't a complete addict.

"No, I am afraid your obsession has got out of control, it's a book, Ari!" My mom emphasized the word book, and it made me cringe.

"Fine, I'll go along with your plan but it won't work." I stomped up the stairs, to my room, my pictures I drew of Edward right next to my nightstand with the books I know and love on the side. I picked up my cell phone, as I decided to text Valerie.

_Val, did u hear wut happened? Our mom's r so stupid. Twilight is not an obsession; it's a lifestyle. _

As I waited for her to text back, Jessie called.

"Hello?"

-"Hey Ari. Did your mom tell you? I can't believe they think we are _**obsessed**_. It's not like I talk about it all the time."

-"Yeah, Jess, she told me. We aren't obsessed; they just do not appreciate the God we know as Stephenie Meyer, and the gospel of Twilight. So when does this stupid meeting start?"

-"Um, I am pretty sure tomorrow after school."

-"Okay Jessie, thanks. I guess I will see you at 'TA'."

I hung up the phone and made my way over to the computer. I wanted to inform everyone I knew about these meetings, and how completely ridiculous they were. After I told everybody, and they all agreed with me, I went on Google and looked up all the information I didn't know about Twilight. There was nothing I didn't know, but everything I read made me feel closer to Forks. After a few long and tedious hours, I finally went to bed, hesitating while thinking about my meeting tomorrow. As I slept, I dreamt about Edward. I always did, actually, that's what happens when you believe fiction is real. Edward was reciting the lines where he told Bella that he was in love with her, but I was Bella. And then he leaned forward and…

BEEPBEEPBEEP!

Damn, stupid alarm clock. I slowly got out of bed and got ready, such a silly task. If I was a vampire, it would have taken me two minutes. I rushed down stairs to eat my cereal, it was no irritable grizzly, but I could cope.

School hours flew by in a fog. I was still wondering why it was only me and my friends who were getting penalized for a book. I mean, who even reads nowadays? Not many people, I can tell you that. The last bell rang, and I went to go find Jessie and Valerie so we could wait for our meeting to commence.


	2. Twilighter's Anonymous

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

The car ride went by slow; it took almost an hour to get to the hour. While Valerie sang along to the play list I made for her for Twilight, I read the book. Jessie was talking about how much she loved Edward, again.  
"And then in my dream, he took his shirt off, and he had an eight pack! He is so hot; I mean if he was real I would definitely bang him. And maybe Jacob, but not in wolf form, that be gross. Maybe we could have a threesome!"

"Jessie, I know, you already told me the strange and intimate things you would do with him, and besides he has Bella." We all let out a sigh as my dad shook his head.

We pulled up to the hospital, the _mental_ hospital, and we got out of the car. My dad was afraid to see the other fanatics so he put on some classical music and waited inside the car. We walked down the car lot as Valerie noticed something that caught her eye.

"Hey, look at the RED TRUCK!" Valerie screamed, pointed to the truck, turning out heads to her finger. We all saw the truck as we jumped up and down screaming money offers far beyond what was in our pockets. The owner ran away, leaving us in our glory.

"Can I steal it?" Valerie asked with a sly look on her face?

"No! You remember what happened after the Volvo incident last year, right?" Jessie screamed back in horror.

"I didn't know it was the principal's car, it was just so shiny, and silver." I pointed Valerie back in the right direction, as we saw some familiar faces. Jackie, was outside the room, hyperventilating.

"If I don't get me twilight book...tell my parents that I loved them...dearly" Jackie muttered. We all had a sad smile of sympathy as we patted her back. She was banned from the book, but has been going through some withdrawal symptoms.

"We will make it out...with our sanity...AND OUR WAY OF LIFE!!" I screamed as we all nodded in agreement.

We all went through the doors, hands adjoined, and what we say made us fall to our knees in utter horror.

There was chairs, all of which our names on them with pens and pieces of paper. The walls had pictures of terrible things. The book pages ripped and tattered all on the floor...and pictures of Edward fat... Jessie cried to the fact, as we all let a tear or two fall.

This is not what I imagined him as!" Jessie cried, her face shining with tears. "Especially not in be-." Jessie stopped talking.

"In where?" I asked, wiping one of my own fresh tears. Jessie was silent as she stood up with all of the dignity she had left and walked toward her chair, us following. The walls were covered in chalkboards dictating "TWILIGHT IS AN UNATURAL OBSESSION! VAMPIRES ARE MYSTICAL FEATURES THAT WERE CREATEDFOR FUN." We all looked around terrified.

"What is this place?" Jackie asked her wide eyes filled with fear. "Hell..." I whispered back, putting my hands together, praying for hell to freeze over...soon.

As we went to our seats, I looked up, to see two faces, both beautiful.

The first was a girl, with dark brown hair, and brown eyes. She had a courageous smile on her face. It reminded me of Bella in everyway.

The second was a bronze hair boy, with topaz eye. He was lanky and about six feet tall, and he was how I envisioned Edward. Jessie leaned over to my side and whispered into my ear.

"Ari, this is horrible, he's Edward! Maybe if he can take off his shirt I could concentrate better." Jessie started to say silent prayers, as I sighed. This was going to be hard.


	3. Hi! My name is Not Slim Shady

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The class started, as the bronze haired boy stood up.

"Hello class, I'm Dr. Cullen…" The whole crowd gasped. It was just so wrong. He was making us be here to get better but he was pure temptation.

"Okay, I see this is going to be hard." He gave a small smile that was slightly crooked. "We are going to start off with a few little games. First, I want to start off with getting to know your name and tell me a thing you like, and anything else you want to say, other than Twilight, because we all know you're here for that reason. My assistant, Bella, will give you name tags to wear.

Jackie raised her hand, "Dr. Cullen, did you notice that this is all wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you're DR. CULLEN and she's Bella, you should be supporting this book, not ripping it up and using it for –CONFETTI!" She pointed to the floor.

"Well, the reason for the shredded pages and the pictures is so you don't give in to temptation, after a while we will clear this mess up."

"BUT THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT TASTE THE SWEETEST!" I screamed loudly.

"Girls lets not get off task, I will start the game. Hi! I am Dr. Cullen and I like apples." This was going to be hard. Next, it was my turn.

"Hello, I am Ariana. I live in Forks; I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. I am also a vampire."

"Honey, you don't live in forks, and you're not a vampire." The doctor looked at me with wide eyes.

"Well, inside my mind I do. And right now I am ripping you to shreds for saying I am not a vampire."

"Well, that aggressiveness is not normal, and that is why you are here. Next person, please."

"Hi! I'm Jessie! And I have sexual fantasies about Edward!" The teachers looked surprise and half the class started laughing. We had to skip over Jackie because she was stuttering so much it seemed that she was having convulsions.

Our friend Megan was next, "Hi! I am Megan and I stole a wolf from the zoo, and I cuddle with it daily, I named him Jacob."

"Hi, I'm Valerie; I love…HEY LOOK A RED CAR." She tried exiting the room, but all of the doors were locked.

After a few more people, the only two left was a girl from school named Brianna, and someone named Michelle.

Michelle started to talk, and even a vampire wouldn't be able to keep up with the speed of her words. "Hi! I'm Michelle. I am addicted to drugs. I like LSD, PCP, Shrooms, Tina, and X.

"Okay," the doctor said hesitantly, "you are in the wrong meeting, someone, help her out of here.

Brianna was last, and I knew this was going to be funny. In school she couldn't go 6 words without saying a quote from Twilight. "Hi, I am Brianna and I …STUPID SHINY VOLOVO OWNER!" Half of us cracked up while the others were thinking about how they could escape through the window.

The doctor stood up, and gave us all dirty looks, "You guys need some serious help, so let's try introductions over again, but this time say your name and then say I am addicted to Twilight."

I was going to put up a fight, unlike everyone else. I didn't have to admit to anything. This time we went in a random order, but had to stop at Brianna because she couldn't full say the sentence; it was like she had Tourettes or something. Then it was my turn.

"Hey. I'm Ariana, and I am not addicted to Twilight, I can stop whenever I please. And no I am not in denial, I just am truthful; and I don't care what you say, I am a vampire who lives in Forks."

Bella and the doctor gave me some funny looks and mumbled something into each other's ears.

"Okay, class, that's quite enough for today. Your homework is to add up however many times you say Twilight. Have a good night."

Maybe this class wouldn't be so bad after all.


	4. Book Burner

A few hours after the meeting was over, Valerie called me up

A few hours after the meeting was over, Valerie called me up.

"Hey Ari, let me three-way in Jessie, okay?"

"Sure," I said, as I waited. I looked around my twilight-inspired room and thought about how many times I could say 'Twilight' in a sentence to get the doctor pissed off.

"Okay! I'm back." Yelled Valerie.

"Hi guys, so what's up?" I asked.

"Oh, well we just wanted to talk about the meeting." Said Jessie. "Don't you think it's ironic that his name is Dr. Cullen? I mean, he looks exactly like Edward is supposed to look, and his assistant is Bella, it's not normal."

Valerie agreed, "Yeah, I know."

"But Bella and Edward are very common names; it could just be a coincidence."

"Yeah, I guess, but he's so hot, I would totally do him, because he reminds me of Edward." Jessie seemed to get lost in her own little sex-fantasy world.

"Jessie, stop it. Maybe you should go for sex addicts meetings instead, you're a nymphomaniac!" Valerie seemed like she was pissed.

"Valerie, don't be so mean, Jessie is a nympho, we all know that, but you're a kleptomaniac, I mean you steal anything Twilight related!"

"I only stole a Volvo! And some forks from the cafeteria, and a pair of vampire fangs. Oh yeah, and Alice in wonderland, it said Alice."

Jessie fired back, "AND NOW YOU ARE TRYING TO STEAL A RED TRUCK!!"

"Okay guys, stop it." I intruded on there argument, "Did any of you do you TA homework?"

Jessie seemed happy, "Yeah I only said the word 456 times today! That's an all time low!"

Valerie said she only said Twilight 37 times. "How about you Ari?"

"Well I want to get them pissed; it's funny, so I said it 1845 times today! Woo hoo!!" After, Valerie and Jessie rambled on about Twilight news. I heard it all before, so I went to go read my favorite book, Twilight. But I couldn't find it. I always put it in the same place, and it wasn't there.

"GUYS I CANT FIND THE BIBLE! I will call you back!" I hung up the phone and went searching for the awesome book, when I heard my sister call me down stairs.

"Hey, did you see Twilight?" I asked frantically.

"Oh, you mean this piece of shit?" She had my book in her hand and was right near the fireplace; the fireplace which happened to be on fire this second. I raced down the stairs at Olympic speed, as she through the book into the fire place. I reached out and grabbed it, but my hand touched the got flames.

"Ow! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU MONSTER!!"

"Ha-ha!" Her maniacal grin kept playing over in my face.

I saved the book, but my hand felt like it was on fire. I felt like Bella, when James bit her. My hand was throbbing and swollen. Without telling my mom, I called Jessie back.

"My sister is a bitch!!"

"What happened?"

"She almost burnt the bible!!"

"OMFG!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER?"

"I asked her that same question, I got in it time though, but now my hand is burnt."

"Oh My Edward! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I will be fine, do you and Valerie want to come over, maybe if we have a Twilight related sleepover it will piss her off more."

"Yeah, sure, I'll bring everything I have twilight related! See you soon!"

Jessie and Valerie were over in less than an hour. I got out my mix tape of Twilight songs, and started dancing to them. After, we played 'The role-playing people in the book game.' I was Bella, of course, while Valerie was Alice, and Jessie was Rosalie, but most of the time she pretended she was having sex with Emmett. After Jessie got really scary to look at we stopped. I pulled out my Pictionary: Twilight Edition and we played for two hours. Then Truth or Dare, Twilight Edition; and then The Game of life: Twilight Edition, which was a horrible name for it because they all live forever, so I named it the Game of Eternity. After watching 4 Vampire movies, we went to bed. Tomorrow was Saturday, and another meeting was coming.


	5. Love

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I woke up at 7:30. Everyone was already out of there sleeping bags getting ready. I had forgotten about the meeting. It started at 9, and it takes an hour to get there.

"Thanks for waking me up guys!" I yelled sarcastically. Valerie was throwing on her Edward Cullen 'Bite Me' shirt, while Jessie was in the bathroom putting on makeup.

"We just woke up 10 minutes ago; we forgot to set our alarms." Jessie screamed.

When we were finally ready it was 8:10, if we rushed, we could make it there on time. We climbed in to my sister's Toyota, and tried to keep our mouth's shut about the book. She hated Twilight, and if we said anything about the movie, she would kill us. Every minute, Jessie and I would look at each other and mouth "Edward Cullen."

We picked up Jackie, and she looked worse than ever.

"Jackie what's wrong?" Jessie asked.

She started crying hysterically, "I can't take it anymore, I need Twilight! My mom hid it and every time I think about it, it hurts! And now our doctor looks like Edward!"

My sister chuckled, and I couldn't believe her 'sympathy.' We finally pulled up to the hospital, and we got out of the car. We were five minutes late, but they could deal. Valerie saw the red truck again, but held her composure.

We walked into class five minutes late.

"How nice of you four to join us; please put on your nametags, and take a seat. Now, before you guys came, we were about to do an exercise, to see how addicted to Twilight you are. You are going to do an ink blot test."

Dr. Cullen took the first two victims to a separate room as we waited. We all looked at each other and groaned. Ink blots are for psycho people not obsessed Twilight fans. Don't they know that they have to give us a little privilege? While Jackie was hyperventilating, Valerie was stuffing something in her pocket...it kind of looked like…

"Valerie, whose car keys are those, you don't have a car?" I asked her.

"They're Bella's. You know Dr. Cullen's assistant. She owns the red truck! Ironic, huh? Hey, we need a ride home and why not go home in style."

I laughed, after all this fun stuff they were doing with us, we should have some fun of our own. I let her keep them, as me and Jessie were called into the room.

"Hey girls, I have to do one at a time, and Jessie is first, so just be quiet, okay?"

"Fine, go ahead with your psycho evaluation thingy." I sat back and watched Jessie answer the questions.

"Okay, Jessie what does this look like?"

"Edward naked."

"Oh? And this?"

"Me and Edward on a bed."

"Mmm. And this one."

"You, me and Edward having a threesome."

"Excuse, me?" His face reddened.

"You are hot, and sexy. I like you."

"Um, thank you."

"Meet me after class?" Jessie winked while I witnessed pure disgusting seduction. Dr. Cullens face lit up as he winked back.

"CAN YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE SOMMEWHERE ELSE YOU PERVS!?"

"Fine. Calm down Ari." Jessie seemed to be enjoying this.

"Okay, Ariana your turn." He held up the paper. "What do you see?"

"A pervert holding an ink blot."

"Other than a pervert holding an ink blot what do you see?"

"A pervert hitting on my best friend."

"Okay. You don't want to make progress do you?"

"No, but you seem like you want to 'make progress' with Jessie. I'll leave you too alone." I walked out of the room, closing the door. They are disgusting.

I waited for Jessie to come out of the room, and once she did, I gasped. Her clothes were disheveled, her hair array. I wanted to puke. EW.

"Jessie, come on we are leaving"

Her voice was peaceful, "And so the Lion fell in love with the Lamb."

I laughed in disgust. "What a perverted lion."

"What a hunky lion," Jessie said to me.

I started to get into Valerie's 'new' truck, but Jessie stopped me.

"I have to go meet Dr. Cullen in the back of the building."

"Fine, but I am coming with you, so you can't play bump bump any more."

She got mad, "Fine."

We walked up into the place where Dr. Cullen wanted to meet Jessie. And ironically enough, it looked like a meadow.

"Could this resemble the book anymore?"

"Yes." Jessie said, as Dr. Cullen came out, looking like Edward. He looked sexy in the sun.

"Oh my Edward."

"No! He's my Edward! I mean Dr. Cullen! He's mine!"

They walked hand in hand, as I heard him whisper, "The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest."

I am pretty sure after this moment; I was going to need more therapy.


	6. Road Rage

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I had nothing else to do, so I listened to there lovey-dovey conversation.

"Listen, I know you have your problems. Believe me, I have my own, but inside, I can feel that you are such a good person, and not just some sex-craving, Twilight obsessed teen." Dr. Cullen said.

Jessie smiled sheepishly. "Sometimes..." Jessie said, slightly shaking because she was so happy.

"I have a feeling...that you'd be the person I'd want to be with...no one else. I don't care about your ages or your problem, what matters is that we both love each other...right?" He asked almost a little wary on the last part. Jessie nodded as she smiled. "Thank god," he murmured as he leaned down to kiss her lips, Jessie's and Dr. Cullen's hands moving across their bodies.

"Aww, I guess the lion isn't so bad after all." In a way it was sorta-kinda cute, if you got past that little fact that Jessie was 16 and he was 28, and that we didn't even know his first name.

"Hey, Dr. Cullen, what's your first name, it would be nice to know."

He looked up, and smiled, "Edward."

WOW, could my life become anymore unbelievable?

I semi-smiled as Jessie and Dr. Edward Cullen were kissing; which in a way was kinda…weird. Suddenly, I was pulled away from their make-out scene and behind a bush.

"Jackie, what are you?" I started but Jackie cut me off.

"Shh!" Jackie said, and this time she wasn't crying! No, she looked more, frantic. Se tried to whisper Jessie's name.

"Jessie?" She pulled away from Edward and looked at us.

"What?" she hissed; obviously pissed while Edward seemed kinda…ticked?

"Valerie's about to get caught!" Jackie said waving her arms around. Jessie's and my eyes widened and we gasped in unison.

"Doing what?" Edward asked, letting Jessie go. "She…kinda took the other doctor's car keys." Jackie said guilty.

"You mean Bella's keys?" Edward asked. Jackie, Jessie and I all looked at each other.

"DAMN IT!" we said in unison as we held our head in our hands. Our attention soon turned to the road behind the meadow. There was Valerie, in Bella's truck, driving unsteadily. She was hurling the truck towards us.

"Edward, are you coming?" Jessie asked pathetically.

"Of course. I can't let you get caught, Bella will kill us all if anyone tries to steal her truck, and it's a classic."

"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME YOU STUPID TRUCK OWNER!" Valerie shouted at the top of her lungs as she drove to us, a little rocky. She came to a stop and unlocked the doors. "GET IN!" Valerie shouted as we all gathered ourselves up and got into the truck.

"Valerie, you went too far this time, really." I screamed. The truck was going 70 mph's, which was way to fast under its old engine's condition. I was crammed in the back seat with Jessie and the doc, and it was very uncomfortable in more than one way. They were making out, and Jackie started crying again.

"I can't be caught, I can' go to the blocker!! Me mum will go crazy, and never give me Twilight book back!"

"Jackie, first of all, this is not the time to use your fake brogue/pirate accent. Second of all, did you ever consider buying a new Twilight book, you know from a store? Thirdly, what the hell is a blocker?"

"No, but good idea." Her crying got lower and less hectic, as the car rammed on. "Oh, a blocker is a jail cell."

"Oh."

"WHOO HOO! DON'T YOU LOVE THE ADRENALINE RUSH?" Valerie screamed.

"No," we all moaned in unison, except Jessie and Edward who were making out furiously.

"So could this day get any more nuts?"

Jackie looked at me, while her eyes got big, and bulgy. "Yes. Turn around! It's the coppers!"

"Holy Moley! Valerie, the po-po are after us"

"Me' mum is going to chop me up like her potato casserole."

"Jackie, why must everything relate to Ireland; we have a bigger situation on our hands!!"

"THEY WILL NEVER CATCH US." The car drummed over 90 mph's as we all started screaming, except the two love birds that were pretty oblivious to life. Our high speed chase lasted about two minutes, and then (I bet you would never guess this) the po-po caught us!

"Put your hands over your head, and step out of the car."

I now hate life.


	7. Jail House does not Rock

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES!" Valerie cried out. We were behind bars, on two different counts. Grand Theft Auto and assaulting an officer. Valerie "accidentally" punched him, and gave him a black a blue. Dr. Cullen was going to be here longer, because he was charged with raping a minor. Poor Jessie. Valerie was trying to get the police's attention, by singing loudly, and obnoxiously. "Cant I get my phone call?"

The police officer finally looked over. "Who are you going to call?" He asked as he handed her a phone. She smiled as she dialed 911. Wow. Was she a complete idiot? Yeah, pretty much.

I looked at her, with wide eyes. When she finally hung up the phone I screamed.

"What the hell Valerie? WE ARE IN JAIL, WHY WOULD YOU CALL 911?"

"I don't know I just felt like it."

I hit my hand into my forehead. I looked at Jessie, banging on the wall, trying to use some sort of code to talk to Edward who was on the other side. Jackie was using an old Irish trick she learned from her "mum." She had a nail filer and was trying to sand the bar that separated us to the outside world down.

I couldn't believe this. We were in jail, and I was the only one who had a normal brain, which meant that we were screwed. I couldn't take it! Stupid friends.

"I hate life." I said it loud enough, but no one had the mental capacity to care. After another 10 minutes of hopelessly walking back and forth, I sat down on the concrete, and stated rocking back and forth. Not because I was crazy, only because when I was bored I would pretend I was in Twilight as Bella, of course, and rocking helped sooth me. After a while, I was muttering the book's lines to myself. At least this kept me occupied. About an hour or so later, the police man snapped me out of my trance. Thanks Mr. Retarded Police Man.

"Miss, do you need to make a phone call?"

"Um, yeah sure." I couldn't call me mom, or dad. I would be dead. I would be already grounded for not being home five hours ago. So I decided to call the only possible answer, though it wouldn't really help. I was going to call my sister. I spoke aloud the number 168-945-4448. I listen to the dial tone.

A cell phone rung in the cell, as I listened to the Bella Cullen Project song playing in the air. My face scrunched up in confusion as I whirled around and saw Jessie's cell phone light up on the police mans desk and vibrate. The police man chuckled meanly as he picked up her phone.

I was upset with myself, exasperated, "Can you get that, I'm trying to call someone and that's annoying?"

"Hello?"

"Are you kidding?" I asked, "I dialed the wrong number." Jessie laughed half-heartedly as he hung up on me as she continued to bang on the wall with her fist, still trying to get Edward to talk to her. I slammed the phone shut. "Stupid shiny cell owner…" I whispered angrily under my breath as I handed the phone over to the police. The police man smirked at me as he saw how stupid I was for calling the damn number.

"Hey wait! Mr. Police dude! Jessie has to use her phone call."

"Okay." He handed the phone back over and Jessie looked at me.

"Who am I calling?"

"Call someone who can help in our situation, duh."

"Oh! I know! KFC!! I am hungry! They got good food."

"NO! DON'T CALL KFC! Dial my sister's number!" I screamed, wanted to bang my head against the wall, not to get Edwards attention, just to die. Jessie dialed the number and started talking. I listened to the one sided conversation.

"Um hi Ashley, it's Jessie."

"Oh the caller ID came up as the polices' number because we kinda sorta got stuck in jail, and we need you to bail us out."

"SORRY! IT WASN'T OUR FAULT! IT WAS VALERIES!"

"Thanks."

She looked at me with a scared look on her face. "Your mom heard the conversation."

"Shit," I yelled. The cop looked at me, and I gave him a dirty look. "I hate you Valerie, this is your entire fault."

"Sorry." She seemed sad.

"Well, now we all have criminal records, and Edward is probably going to get 25 years in jail!" Jessie started whimpering in the background, and banged on the wall some more. I looked at Jackie, who was still trying to file the rail down, but nothing was coming off. At least the wait would be over soon. I sat down and tried to rest; it was pretty late.

"ARIANA MICHELLE (INSERT LAST NAME HERE)!!" My mom screamed my name, and woke me up. We all cringed at her fierce voice.

"Um, Hi Mrs. (INSERT LAST NAME HERE), I mean Jane, I mean your highness." Jessie stammered.

My mom looked over to us and than back to the officer. "How much is bail?" She scared the officer who was eating a doughnut.

"Um, five hundred dollars, each."

"Under what charges?"

"Grand theft auto and assaulting an officer."

"WHAT! I KNOW MY DAUGHTER WOULD NOT ASSAULT A POLICE OFFICER!!"

"No, the brown haired girl did, but, your daughter was an accomplice."

"Fine here's, the money. Girls you better are paying me back, and I think your mothers are waiting for you at my house." We groaned.

"Wait! Mrs. (INSERT LAST NAME HERE), what about Edward?" Jessie cried.

"Who? Oh, him...he can come with us." My mom got our purses and handed them to us, and we all made our way to the car. Valerie went to her truck, but my mom grabbed her ear and pulled her by it. This was so embarrassing. Edward was holding Jessie by the waist, as my mom gave him a stern look and smacked his hand off of her.

As we drove, my madre gave us a stern talk it went like this:

"I CANT BEEPING BELIEVE YOU BEEPING KIDS. YOU ARE NUTS! YOU ARE ALL BEEPING SCREWED. AND YOU DR. CULLEN STOP TOUCHING JESSIE. SHES NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!"

Yeah, so that was the car ride, and then we got to my house, whoopee. Valerie's, Jessie's and Jackie's moms were there and they flipped out once we walked in.

Jessie's mom yelled a string of profanities while Valerie was being scolded for being a kleptomaniac. Jackie's mom rambled on about Ireland.

"May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope..."

"But, mum, I didn't do anythin'. It was Valerie! May a cat eat Valerie and then the devil may eat the cat!

Then Jackie's 'mum' started cursing in Gaelic as Valerie hit her over the head. When the mom's finally cooled down, they saw Edward standing over, kissing Jessie.

"What is he doing here?" Jackie's mom asked.

"You know Edward?" Jessie said.

"Who's Edward, his name is Robert. We hired him to get you guys over twilight-he is an actor." My mom hissed.

"WHAT!" We all screamed. I looked over at Jessie who had tears streaming down her face, and then to Edward/Robert who was smiling, half-heartedly.

"WHAT THE HELL? WHO ARE YOU. I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME."

"I did love you, in the office remember?" Our parents were disgusted, and Jessie's face was in awe. "Oh, wait the other love. I do love you! I never meant for us to fall for each other, but you are exactly my brand of heroin."

"DON'T TRY TO TRICK ME WITH YOUR TWILIGHT QUOTES, YOU, YOU…PUP!!" Jessie stormed off into my room.

I could tell this was going to be a long night.


	8. The Anti Twilight Moms

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I ran upstairs to my room, where Jessie was crying her heart out.

"Jessie? Are you okay?"

"NO I AM NOT OKAY! EDWARD IS ROBERT AND HE DOESNT LOVE ME."

"That's not true, well the part about his name, yeah that's right, but he loves you."

"But, He lied to me!!"

"Okay, I really don't feel like making you stop crying, especially since our moms are still yelling at us, so can we go downstairs?"

"Whatever." We got up, and made it halfway down the stairs when we saw Robert/Edward/Dr. Cullen coming upstairs. Jessie spotted him, and started to curse at him. It sounded sort of like this:

"YOU (INSERTCURSEHERE) MORON! I (INSERTCURSEHERE) HATE YOU! GO DIE! NO I HOPE YOU DONT (INSERTCURSEHERE) DIE, I HOPE YOU HAVE TO LIVE AN ETERNITY WITH THE VOLTURI WHO (INSERTCURSEHERE) SPEND THE YEARS TOURTURING YOU!"

Robert looked at her with wide eyes, and started to talk.

"Jessie, I love you, and I don't know what a Volturi is but I hardly did anything wrong."

I sighed. I was pretty sure this was going to last all night. Jessie ran back up to the room, while I had to face the wrath of the Anti-Twilight moms. I walked into the room, and sat down, preparing myself for the fury of the parentals.

"YOU GUYS NEED SERIOUS HELP! WE SEND YOU TO A THERAPY PLACE ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT YOU GUYS STEAL AND FALL IN LOVE WITH EDWARD AND BELLA."

"Well, not to be rude our anything, but you guys lied to us. I mean, why did you have to hire a person instead of actually getting us a therapist?"

"It cost too much money for therapy."

"So where do we go from here?" I looked at my mom who had a sly smile on her face, ready to spring something unpleasant on all of us.

"You are going to go on OPRAH!" I looked at my mom. We all looked at my mom…she wasn't kidding.

"Um…Mrs. (Insertlastnamehere),…Oprah isn't for us…" Jackie said, shifting her eyes around the room.

"Well I don't know what else we can do with you guys…obviously the fake therapy wasn't working and now Jessie's even worse!" My mom gestured to my bedroom. We all cringed as she turned on the TV and turned on the channel with Oprah. She and some guest were talking and the show was about to end. "Tomorrow, see four girls and one's boyfriend dire obsession…with a book." Oprah turned to the TV.

"Well, SCREW YOU OPRAH!" Valerie screamed at the TV.

"This sucks," I said quietly, hoping my mom wouldn't hear.

"Jackie, stop hyperventilating, it's just Oprah." Jackie's mother turned to her and comforted her.

"I NEED ME TWILIGHT!" Jackie screamed as she ran out crying. Jessie came down the stairs and Robert perked up and went to talk to her. She gave him a glare and gave a faint wave to me as she walked out with her mom.

Valerie and her mom started to walk outside until Valerie stopped short. "Can we take my car?" She said slyly. Her mother sighed and took her elbow and dragged her to her retarded car that wasn't the truck, let alone a Volvo.

Once everyone was gone, I turned to my mom and smiled sheepishly. "So…who's taking us to LA for Oprah?"

--

The four of us sat in the car. Thank God Jackie had her license…still. Valerie's license was obviously confiscated, Jessie didn't like driving slow, so she got her license taken away, and I didn't drive.

We all drove in silence as we listened to our GPS, which we named Alice. "Hey," I said, breaking the silence, "How about we play I'm going on a Picnic?" I saw everyone's faces light up with excitement. Okay! I'll start." Said Jessie as she thought for a moment.

"I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing **A**lice!"

Valerie was next, then me then Jackie.

"I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing **B**ella."

"**C**arlisle!"

"**D**enali"

"**EDWARD**!"

"**F**orks"

"**G**olden Eyes"

"**H**arry Clearwater"

"**I**rina"

"**J**acob"

"**K**ellan Lutz"

"**L**a Push"

"**M**eadow"

"**NEW MOON**"

"**O**lympic Peninsula

"**P**ort Angeles"

"**Q**uilete"

"**R**osalie"

"**S**witzerland"

"**TWILIGHT**"

"**U**pier Vampires"

"**VAMPIRE**"

"**W**erewolves"

"**X**-ellent!"

"**Y**orkie, Eric"

"**Z**e end!"

We all screamed in excitement as we started over. After a while, it got boring; so we talked about the book some more. Even though we were tired of hearing Jessie's sexual fantasies, we figured that it may be her own therapy to heal her heartbreak with Robert.

"And then, in my dream, Edward was naked, waiting for me in my room, similar to Bella, and then we-," Jessie was cut short be Jackie's voice.

'Allright me lassies, we're at Oprah station!"


	9. Oprah!

We all bustled out of the car and to the doorway for the members of the show

We all bustled out of the car and to the doorway for the members of the show. We opened the door into the strange new world of Talk Shows. A guy that looked like a bouncer at a club walked up to us.

"Can I help you ladies?"

I started talking, "We are here for the Oprah show! We are addicted to Twilight!!"

"I am addicted to sex!" Jessie yelled, as the entire crew of camera men turned around, looking very smug. EW.

"Um, yeah," The guy said. "Go to the room on your right, there waiting to get you into hair and makeup."

We all went into the cramped room as the ladies pushed us towards the salon-style chairs. After two hours of primping, we looked "decent" enough to go on Oprah. A little TV in the hall showed us everything that was going on on the stage. Oprah was at her couch, when she called us out.

"And now…Twilight, the novel by Stephenie Meyer, has obsessed these girls to the point of insanity. But, stealing cars, having sex dreams and being incarcerated hasn't stopped these girls from ever putting their "bible" down. Please welcome Ariana, Jessie, Jackie, and Valerie! Now, Valerie lets start with you…you stole a Volvo, a Chevy, and assaulted a police officer, for a book, right?"

"No, the stealing of the cars were for my obsession, apparently I'm a 'kleptomaniac.' But I punched a police officer because he was all up in ma bi'nez." Valerie waved her hands like a gangster.

"Okay, um that was interesting, now we have Jessie. Jessie, what is it about this book that is so obsessive?"

"Edward. He's the most perfect being ever. He smart and funny and beautiful, and in my sex dreams he's good in bed."

"Jackie, we know that your family is very proud of their race, why do you think you care more about twilight than your heritage?"

"Blimey Oprah! I have me an Irish Tattoo, right next to me' twilight tattoo! See?! It's a pot o' gold, with a pirate flag on it. Arghh. And see here is me twilight tattoo, it's an apple!"

"Okay. Ummm, Ariana, you seem semi-normal, why do you think you guys are all obsessed with twilight?"

"The same reason Tom Cruise jumped on your couch! WE LOVE TWILIGHT!!" We proceeded to get up, and started jumping onj the couch. It was very bouncy, yay bouncy! Jackie did a split in the air, then fell on the ground, ha-ha.

"OH NO1 NOT AGAIN, SECURITY!" cried Oprah, as she pulled at her hair. "I'm not doing this again." Oprah ran off the stage!

Soon enough security pulled us off the couch. The feeling Tom Cruise had made more sense then ever! Oprah's couch was awesome, it was a _LOVE Couch._

On the way back home, we watched the Twilight movie trailer; Oprah taught us nothing…what a waste. But, the day wasn't over yet. We still had to face the wrath of the Moms who hate Twilight.

Surprisingly, no one was home when we piled into my living room. It was almost Oprah time. We sat down and turned on channel 7. Watching yourself on Oprah is pretty awesome; you get to see how you look on TV. It was almost as exhilarating as Twilight. Half the show had past when we started jumping on her couch. They cut the part where Oprah ran out screaming, but something was wrong; it was over 15 minutes early.

A news reporter came on and told a breaking news story. "Excuse the interruption, but due to sudden heart failure from over-excitement, Oprah slipped into cardiac arrest. And died. The Oprah show will now be taken over by Rosie O'Donnell and called Rosie. The end. "

Oh shit. Now what were we going to do?


	10. TTSSHUJDHTLSLERMBAJJAV

Chapter 10 aka the Wrath of the Oprah Fangirls aka the TTSSHUJDHTLSLERMBAJJAV chapter

**Chapter 10 aka the Wrath of the Oprah Fangirls aka the TTSSHUJDHTLSLERMBAJJAV chapter**

Last night, our parents almost executed us because we "killed" Oprah. It wasn't our fault she had a bad heart and us jumping on the couch made it worse to the point were it stopped beating. Sheesh, it was an honest mistake.

But I was dreading going to school this the morning. In the past few years, our school has been overpopulated with Oprah Fangirls-to the extreme. They only read Oprah Book Club books wore Oprah's own line of cosmetics, and go on annual trips to see The Color Purple. It was like Valerie's and Jessie's and Jackie's and my obsession X 408407, only with Oprah. Today, the Oprah fans will either be in mourning, or decide to kill us, whichever one makes them happier.

Jackie picked me up around seven and we drove to the school. In Valerie's red truck was Jessie and Valerie following us. We were just getting into the parking lot when we saw them. All wearing black, all giving us the stink eye.

"Oh Ireland!" Jackie screamed. "Ari what are we going to do?"

I sighed, "Let's just see what they want." We got out of the car and joined Jessie and Valerie. Slower than ever, we walked to the group of the Fangirls.

"Um, Hi." Jessie stuttered.

"Hi." The leader of the Fangirls said, crossing her arms. "By any chance, do you guys know what you gay book did to Oprah?"

"Yeah, we know, Oprah died. So?" Jackie said.

"SO! You killed OPRAH WINFREY!"

"Um, sorry." I never thought I was ever going to be responsible for saying sorry about Oprah's death, but I guess anything was possible.

"Well sorry isn't going to help, you killed our Idol!

"Yeah sorry isn't going to make a difference." Valerie said, siding with the Oprah fans.

"VALERIE, GET OVER HERE!" I yelled, pulling her back. "Look, it wasn't our fault, we can't do anything else."

"Well how would you like it if I killed that Edward dude in your book?"

Oh, now I was mad.

Jessie seemed just as mad as I was, too. "First, Mrs. I am obsessed with a dead person, his name is EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN, not that Edward dude."

I felt like interrupting, so I did. "And secondly, you can't kill him, he's immortal. And if somehow you did kill him, I would provoke the Volturi and they will kill you as a favor to their dear friend, Carlisle! Muah ha ha!" I put my hands in the air and laughed like a hyena.

"Yea, okay….GIRLS GET THEM."

"Holy St. Patrick…run like Edward's life depended on it!" Jackie screamed as we all ran towards Valerie's/Bella's truck. Once we were in, Valerie stepped on the gas, and none of us cared that she had no license at the moment. The speedometer ran over 80 mph, and I had the feeling of Déjà vu.

"Valerie where arrrgh we going!?" Jackie screamed over the loud engine.

Valerie screamed back her reply. "Where do we always go in times of trouble, my Irish Pirate friend?"

Jessie's hand shot up. "To a sex clinic!"

"No."

I answered this time, "To our club house!"

Jessie gave me a surprised look. "Ah yes our club house. The TTSSHUJDHTLSLERMBAJJAV!

"You are right Ari! The Twilight Super Secret Headquarters underneath Jackie's dog house that looks seemingly like Edward's room made by Ari Jackie Jessie and Valerie! Woooooooooo!"

We all got out of the car and snuck around to Jackie's backyard, into her dog house where there was a set of stairs going down. We walked up to a door with a deadbolt lock. Valerie opened up the door to reveal a room that looked exactly like Edwards! We walked in and all moved to a place in the room. I put on a CD on the big stereo, Jackie and Valerie went to a big leather couch, and Jessie went to her safe place, a bed (where else would she go?).

"So, what are we going to do to get away from these Rabid Fangirls?"

Jessie screamed. "I know! We could all change our names- I will be Mrs. Kitty Prowess, Ari will be Lady Pompom, Val will be Madame Bonbon, and Jackie will be Pirate Queen. Then we will all enroll in a themed prostitution shop for twilight… pleasing crazed fans with our sexual ability!"

"Umm, how bout no you whore? I think we should go somewhere where no one can find us." Valerie said.

"How about we take a road trip?" Jackie suggested.

"As long as Valerie doesn't steal a car." I shot a warning glance Valerie's way.

"Damn it, what fun is that?"

"But where would we go?" I asked.

"The Moulin Rouge!" Jessie screamed.

"Ireland!" Jackie bellowed.

"How about somewhere in the continental United States!?" I said sarcastically.

"How about we go to Forks?" Valerie suggested. I was surprised, that was the most logical thing out of her mouth….ever.

"Valerie, I can't believe I am using this all in the same sentence, but you are right, Forks is a great idea. None of those Fangirls would think we would go all the way cross country to the rainiest town in the US."

LET THE ROAD TRIP COMMENCE!


	11. AUTHORS NOTE! not a chapter

An Author's Note from Ariana/TotalEclipseX (aka the coolest person ever

**An Author's Note from Ariana/TotalEclipseX (aka the coolest person ever!)**

**Yo. Okay…a/n time! **

**First Off- thanks for 50 reviews! Woo you people are awesome, especially b/c we got no flames.**

**Secondly-I would like to say, because I'm not sure if people are confused or whatever, but the people in this story are real people. But, the story is fiction. Like Jessie is very un-sexual. She is as clean as a bar of soap. Valerie is semi-fiction, because she is really random and probably would steal a car, but she hasn't. Boo. & Jackie, she's Irish but she doesn't have a tattoo, nor is she a pirate…Aww so sad. **

**But Most Importantly, I have a new poll on my Profizzle FO shizzle (excuse the gangster talk…I am a little hyper right now) that asks who you favorite character is. Go check it out. **

**PEACE**

**Oh and KEEP ON REVIEWING! **

**Oh and Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer blah blah blah but my characters don't…Hahha!**


	12. the road trip

Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

We all decided to gather at Jackie's house in the morning to get past the traffic. Jackie's mom was fast asleep, as were all of your moms, and we said that we would leave at 3:30AM. Uggh.  
I got there first, practically dragging my body out of the house. I packed two small bags with Jeans and shirts and the other with small items like my Zune and earplugs…just in case I have to tune out Jessie talking about "her Robert/Edward/Dr. Cullen"….again. She was doing that a lot lately.

When I got to Jackie's house, she was already in front of the doghouse in the backyard of her house, but she called it "Me' lil' Irish Cottage!"

"Hey Ariana!" she called quietly, motioning me to come in.

"Hi, where's everyone?" I looked at my watch, its 3:15. "Valerie went to 711 to get some goodies," Jackie said opening the trunk of the truck.

My eyes widened as I saw the trunk packed with bags stuffed to the top of the trunk. "Wow." I said, "did you really need all of this?"

"What are ye talking about lassie? This is Valerie's stuff! Mine is in the back o' the truck. See?"

I looked in the back to see her suitcases. There were 2 bags with shamrocks and hand painted apples all over it.

"What did she bring?" I asked amazed.

"I think the correct term is what didn't she "bring"," Jackie emphasized and helped me put my bag in; the other coming into the car with me.

"Hey," Valerie called as she walked over to us with numerous plastic bags with the 711 logo on them, " I went to the store and bought at least six packs of Skittles, M&M's, Hershey Bars, Twizzlers, Starbursts, Gummy Bears, Gummy Worms, Chocolate Covered Pretzels, Gobstoppers, Air Heads, Blow Pops, Bottle Pop, Bubble Tape Sour Apple, Caramel Apple Pops, Fun Dip, Giant Smarties, Snickers, Giant Sweetarts, Nerds, Pop Rocks, Push Pops, Milky Way, Dove Bar, Ring Pop, Runts, Shock Tarts Roll, Sour Patch Kids, Sour Punch Twists , Wonka Bar, Atomic Fireball, Candy Necklace, Jawbreakers, Jolly Rancher Pieces, Lemonheads, Now and Later, Tootsie Roll, Midgees, 100 Grand, Clark Bars, Almond Joy, Runts, Everlasting Gobstoppers, Baby Bottle Pops, Air Heads, Mars Bars, Junior Mints, 3 Musketeers, Mike & Ike, Milky Ways, Snowcaps, Sour Patches, and of course, SLURPEES!

I cocked an eyebrow at her. "And…How did you afford to get everything?"

Valerie smiled and said, "Five Finger Discount?"

"Did you get me Lucky Charms?" Jackie asked searching through the bags.

"Oh, yeah, I got 43 bags, like you asked. I just don't understand why I didn't get caught going out of the store with all this stuff."

"Ahh! I asked for 543! Bags, not 43! There always after me lucky charms! Grrr."

"Oh, well. THUNDER CATS A GO!" Valerie had a tendency to shout out random things.

"I CALL SHOTGUN!" I said, a little too loudly, running to the passenger seat next to Jackie. "I got the Twilight Soundtrack!" I said and put it into the slot of the radio. I looked around and didn't see Jessie.

"Where's Jess'?" I asked.

Valerie shrugged casually, "Having sex?"

"VERY FUNNY!" Jessie screamed sarcastically as she ran with her bags flinging all over the place. We all laughed as she opened the trunk and threw her bags in the over crowded trunk. After several punches and kicks later, Jessie shut the trunk door with a great effort and climbed in the back seat.

"Okay," Jessie began, "I brought the Twilight novel on CD, my laptop with unlimited Internet service, and other junk, I also have a few condoms, you know just in cas…."

"Yay!" I said sarcastically, paying no attention to her. Jessie always went on talking and talking and talking and talking and talking with no end whatsoever. It got annoying.

"Are we ready to go me lassies?" Jackie asked. Valerie, Jessie, and I clipped our seatbelts.

"So…when can I drive?" Valerie asked slyly. We all sent daggers to her  
while I pulled a map out of the console.

"Umm…we should be able to get from New York to Portalnd by 8:00 tomorrow night, about 16 hours, and then we can get a hotel room." Jackie said eyeing the map.  
"Sounds okay to me," Jessie said, "I love hotels!"  
"Why?" Jackie said turning the key into the ignition and starting the car.  
"Because you get to put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door and no one will walk in on you purposely?" I asked.

"NO!" Jessie laughed and slumped in her seat, "the beds are always good." I think all three of us caught the double meaning in her words.

"Yeah, okay, Jessie can't be alone in any room we pass with a bed, agreed?"

We all shook our head while Jessie frowned.

I rolled my eyes as I started the Twilight soundtrack as Jackie backed out of her driveway as best as she could without making that much noise and we were off.

For the first hour, we listened to the Twilight play list, but then Jackie got mad that there were no Irish songs on the list, so we had to shut it off. Her exact words were:

"That darn music is offensive to me' leprechauns." I didn't know what that meant, so I kept playing it, and then she had to confiscate the devils music. It was too "obsessive" for me. But, her eating only lucky charms the whole car trip was normal. I wanted to stab her in her little Irish heart.

The second hour, I watched the trailer for Twilight on my Zune, and started Harry Potter 4 to watch Cedward. The tank was running empty so we had to stop at the nearest gas station. We pulled up To O'Shay's Gas Station. There was a big shamrock on a turning pole and it was pumping gas. Jackie was very happy pulling up.

"How much gas do you need me' lassies", a guy with a shamrock on his shirt, and a pot o' gold tattoo asked us.

"Fill her up." Jackie said, glowing.

"Are any of you' lassies Irish?" Jackie's hand shot up.

"I'm from Dublin!" Jackie said.

"Ah, really me lassie. Do you know the Irish national anthem?"

"Of course!"

They started singing this really long song with lots of Irish words, like bloomers, blocker, blimey, blarney, and lots of other stupid words.

Once they were done he asked Jackie about her interests.

"I only have 3 interest me little Irish gas pumper. Let's go down in order. 3. I am going to be a pirate when I am older, arrrgh. 2. I love me Irish-ness. And One, I am absolutely in love with the book Twilight!"

The Irish guy looked sad. No, angry. "I hate twilight be Stephenie Meyer, I read it and wanted to kill Edward."

Valerie spit out her 74th bag of candy.

"WHAT!" Jackie screamed."

Jessie gasped.

I chocked on air and Jessie had to punch my back so I could breathe.

"You're kidding right; Mr. I'm a poor Irish guy who works at a gas station, right?" I screamed.

"No, Edward is so stupid I even made a website about possible ways to kill him."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jackie screamed.

Valerie took the lucky charms in Jackie's hands and threw them at the gas station guy. I picked up some unopened boxes and threw them at his stupid face, and so did Jessie, Jackie wouldn't stop screaming.

"NO! DON'T WASTE THE LUCKY CHARMS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Valerie stepped on the gas without paying and we left the sinful place.

"OMCOMCOMCOMCOMCOMCOMCOMC!' I chanted. "NONONONONONO!"

"It's okay, were away from that dreadful place." Jessie said.

"CAN I GO BACK AND RUN JIM OVER?!" Valerie screamed.

"Sure, go ahead!" I screamed. Valerie turned around in the middle of the road.

"Valerie! Not really!"

After another 13 hours of ranting, twilight related shenanigans, and Valerie getting high off of candy, I finally noticed the surroundings.

"Are we almost in Portland?"

"In ten minutes we should be at the hotel." Jackie said, ready to collapse.

We pulled up to the nearest Holiday Inn, and walked through the doors. The place looked pretty busy for a hotel, but them we noticed something. Something big. Huge. Something I almost collapsed at.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed in joy."

So what made me scream for joy? Find out next chapter. Review Please!! Xoxo Ariana and Jessie!


	13. Uncle Estabar

**Chapter 12 aka BTK (BIND.TORTURE.KISS!)**

**Okay, sorry it took me so long, but I had writers block, then I wasn't allowed to use my thumb for a week because I cut my hand open so I wasn't allowed to write, or the cut would re-open. But here is chapter 12, have fun, and R&R!! Ohh and FYI there are a lot of little author notes all over the chapter (sorry Val. I know you hate them.) Mine A/N are in bold. Jessie's are italicized. Oh and this chapter is really long. This chappy is dedicated to Kevin Bonnet (& his ravishing Grandma's) who makes a guest appearance!**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed in joy.

"WTF, Ari? What's wrong? Are you sex deprived? If so, I know a few 'exercises'….." Jessie screamed.

I looked around the hotel and the thing that made me scream was gone. Maybe it was my imagination, maybe I was hallucinating. Or maybe it was Valerie rubbing off on me.

"I just saw a face."

"Did it have a nose?" Valerie asked seriously.

"Yes."

"That does sound like a face."** (A/N: Scary movie 4 reference right there.) **(_You're so dumb Ari)_

Jessie interrupted. "Um, Ari, most people have faces, can we just go get our rooms?"

"Yeah." I said dazed.

We walked up the stairs and down the hallways, Jessie strangely stopping multiple times.

"What?" I asked. Did she see what I saw too?

Jessie shook her head in disbelief.

"I'm not sure." She answered, holding her head with her hand, "I thought I saw…" Jessie lost her train of thought and kept walking ahead of us.

Jackie leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, "Maybe she's the one who needs those _'exercises'_," She emphasized as we walked toward our rooms.

Jackie got us two separate rooms next to each other, due to room shortages, and we headed to the floor we were on.

The rooms were big, both included two king sized beds, a table with two chairs, a plasma screen TV, a desk with a computer (even though Jessie didn't need one) and a built in bathroom. The room also had a door that led into each other's rooms. Jessie and Jackie quickly carried their bags into their room while Valerie and I unloaded our stuff into our room we were sharing.

We all gathered into the room me and Valerie were going to share. I still was shocked at what I saw, and everyone was eyeing me suspiciously.

"Okay, me lassie, what has your kilt in a twist?" Jackie said.

"What?"

"What's wrong?" Valerie translated.

"Oh. Well, I just thought I saw someone…" I trailed off.

"Who?" Jessie said. "Was it a boy?! I like boys…especially their…!"

"Um yeah, it was a boy..." I interrupted quickly.

"OME! Just spit it out, or I will kill you!" Valerie screamed.

"Okay. Gosh. I saw RPattz/Spunk Ransom/Rob Pattinson in the

lobby!!"

My eyes were widened, expecting them all to jump and scream for joy like I previously did. Instead, they all looked at me utterly dead-panned. Suddenly, I heard Jessie stifle a laugh.

"Ha. You're funny….really, that's like me saying I'm a virgin. Who did you really see?"

"I'm not lying."

"Honest to blog?"

Jessie's face was struck with realization and interrupted, "You stole that line from Juno!"

"Car-lizzle fer shizzle." **((A/N: that means yes) (A/N: ha-ha. Valerie.))**

"No way! Why would he be here?" Valerie asked.

"Umm maybe because the just finished making a movie?" Duhh.

"How can you be sure it was him…I mean, I slept with a lot of guys who told me they were Robert Pattinson, but they were just imposters." Jessie asked.

"Um…me lassie, how do you know they weren't lying to ye just to get in your bloomers?" Jackie asked.

Jessie opened her mouth to argue, but she deflated; a clear sign she had no answer.

"Okay…Umm; I like pretty much know everything about him." I said, answering Jessie's original question.

"Really?" Jessie said, putting her hands on her hips. "Tell me what you know about him."

"Fine-Robert Thomas Pattinson, born May 13th 1986, in London, England. He plays guitar and piano, attended Harrodian Private school in London, likes sports- including football, skiing and snowboarding, looks up to Jack Nicholson, is 6.1 inches tall, used to be dressed up by his sisters and was called Claudia until he was 12, when he discovered "hair gel and became cool." Nicknames include: Rob, R. Spunk, RPattz, Spunk Ransom, and Sexbomb.** (A/N: I pretty much memorized his IMDB) **_(so did I!) _Do you believe me now?"

"Umm, yes?" Jessie stuttered wide eyed.

"So, I saw him, with a girl...I think it might have been Kristen Stewart, but a hoodie was over her face."

"Arghhhhhhh! This is awesome! I have to get his autograph." Jackie screamed; getting out her autograph book with a shamrock on it.

"I know, we have to meet him, so I can inform him that he is marrying

me." I stated.

"LOL." Jessie laughed. (out loud)

"What's so funny?" My eyes narrowed.

"You said you were going to marry him. So I lol-ed."

"How is that funny? I'm going to marry him."

"Um, he's 22 and you are 16. And he lives in England, and is an actor, who specifically said to all the people who asked him to marry him that they had to be 18 and had to clap for him every time they saw him in a movie."

"So, he can relocate to where I live, and I'm not asking him to marry me, it's a demand. And I already clap for him every time I see him in a movie. Remember, I told you I watched that really boring sci-fi movie that I don't even know the name of just so I could look at his perfect-ness?" **(A/N: I really do all this; I heart R. Spunk)**

"Is she joking? She is starting to sound like Valerie." Jessie asked Jackie warily.

"I'm afraid not me lassie, she carries around a picture of him in her folder, and I tried to rip it up, but then she tried to kill me."

"Whoa, that does sound like me." Valerie chimed in.

"So, see, it's definitely my husband." I smiled.

"Woo. We are in the same proximity of greatness, when can I kidnap him?" Valerie asked.

"You can't" Jessie screamed.

"No." Jackie contorted.

"RIGHT NOW!" I yelled!

"No! We can't kidnap him! Do you want to go to jail…again… in only a month?"

"Umm...would it matter…we already have a criminal record."

"No. Not the blocker! I shan't go back!" Jackie said, holding her head together with her hands.

Jessie was obviously mad now, seeing that her 4' 11'' body was standing, hands on her hips and her face hot with anger._ (A/N: I really AM 4' 11'')_

Jessie was mad now, "I am not going back in jail! I DON'T CARE THAT ROBERT PATTINSON IS IN THE STUPID HOTEL!!"

"Whoa, calm down. You're going to have an aneurism."

"I CANT CALM DOWN!"

"But…but…I saw Taylor Launter too!"

"Really!? He has an incredible 8-pack!" Jessie swooned.

"No, I'm lying, it was really Chuck Norris." I said sarcastically.

"Is that the guy who plays Sam?"

"OME! Jessie, I really saw Taylor. And no, Chuck Norris is not the guy who plays Sam. Solomon Trimble is. Now will you kidnap him with us?"

"Umm…If I do can I keep him?"

"Duhh...Just don't make him have sex with you every two seconds."

"Three?" She questioned.

"Fine."

"Yay!" She screamed as she fell back onto the bed and hugged the pillow on the bed.

"Okay, first we have to find out what rooms they are in….where's Valerie?" I looked through the room and didn't see her. After two more minutes she barged through the door.

"They are in room 913 & 917!"

"When did you leave?" I asked, confused.

"Like two minutes ago… Why?"

"Ohh...never mind."

"Okay…now that that is taking care of, we should split into groups. I'm with Valerie!" I screamed.

"WHAT! NO WAY! SHE'S MY COUSIN!!WHY DO YOU GET HER?" _(A/N: She's my awesome cousin XOXOXO)_

"Umm because were the closest in age?" I said.

"URGH! Fine Jackie comes with me!"

"Fine, she's not going to do you any good…she's as scared as a leprechaun at a basketball game."

"What?" Jackie asked.

"Ohh, never mind! I was trying to say something you would say!" I sighed.

"Never. Again." Jackie said. Jessie giggled.

"Fine…but I still get Valerie."

"Yeah...me and Ari. The Twilight Two! Muah ha-ha!"

"Okay…" Jackie said…a little freaked out.

"Well, right now I'm going to get some sleep...I'm going to have a long, hard weekend on me." Jessie said. We all got the double meaning.

Jackie and Jessie left the room. Valerie smiled a really sly smile, and pulled out a big black bag.

"I knew this would come I handy." She started pulling out objects…some were unfamiliar, but I named a few- a crowbar, ski masks, black outfits, rope, a knife, some really dangerous stuff, and a little bottle of liquid medication that I couldn't recognize.

"Valerie what's that?" I pointed to the bottle.

The smile grew larger. "This, my short little friend, is Chloroform."

"Valerie, why do you have Chloroform?"

"Well, I read the Host a month ago, so I decided to pick some up."

"Where did you get this from…isn't it like illegal or something? How much did it cost?"

"No, it's not illegal…yet. You just need to know your sources. And it cost me nothing."

"Oh...and who is your source?"

"They call him Uncle Estabar, but I call him papi."

"Why do you call him papi?"

"STOP INTERRIGATING ME! OR I'LL USE IT ON YOU!" She screamed putting a knife in my face.

"Fine…gosh."

"Okay…first I got to teach you how to use all this stuff, then we will go. Put the chloroform on a rag & then put it over his nose…"

"Question."

"What?"

"How will I reach his nose? I'm only 4'8 and he is 6'1…that's a big difference." _(A/N: We're awesomely short Ari!)_

"Uggh. Fine, I'll do that part. Then you get to do the fun stuff."

"What's the fun stuff?"

"Breaking and entering. And then you get to B&T him."

"B&T?"

"Bind and Torture. Duhh."

"Oh. I thought you meant bacon & tomatoes."

"NO! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE CHLOROFORMED?"

"NO! And is chloroformed even a word?"

"I DON'T KNOW...PROBABLY NOT! NOW SHUT UP!"

"Sheesh Valerie…now I wish I let Jessie have you." I mumbled.

"Okay…we will leave when he's asleep."

"Question: When do we know he's asleep?"

"Wow. Ari, you suck at stuff like this…I hacked into the security camera's in his room. They hook up to my laptop."

"Awesome."

"Why is it awesome?"

"I can stalk him" I said sorta creepily and rubbed my hands together.

"Ohhhkayyyyyy…have fun with that." We put on the laptop, and waited for the hottie to enter the room. After 20 minutes, he came in, with only a towel on. I thought Jessie would have liked this moment._** (A/N: We definitely would)**_ As the minutes passed by I wondered what Jessie and Jackie were doing right now…

**The chapter inside a chapter!: What Jessie and Jackie are doing…right now.**

Jackie's POV:

I rocked back and forth on the bed...it was green…like Ireland…YAY IRELAND! Jessie was in the shower, but I heard the lil' door slam…so she must have been finishing up. I went to the TV to look for me' favorite channel, the History Channel. They have specials on Ireland a lot. Jessie finally got out of the bath room, and walked over to the dresser. She picked out a really short skirt that looked like something a baby prostitute would wear; with a Green (IRELAND!) halter top…I guess she was trying to impress Taylor.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I heard her scream…

"TAYLOR LAUNTER IS ON THE LAPTOP SCREEN!"

"Oh that's right me lassie…Valerie hooked up a webcam to me' laptop."

"Woo!" Jessie put her hands up for a high five.

I sniffed me' air and smelt something foul. "What is that smell?"

"Oh…do you like it? It's my perfume…its called Couque Hors by Kate Moss** (A/N: the soup...go watch it.)**"

"No! It smells like a leprechaun fell in to a bucket of me' mums corn beef and cabbage!"

"Ohh...well he's sleeping. Do you want to go kidnap him now?"

"No."

"Can I go there and kinda…well…sorta…remove-?" she said, changing her wording of the same question to be a pervert.

"No." I said sternly.

But suddenly, a smile crept onto Jessie's face.

"Too bad. Let's go."

--**Now back to your scheduled FanFic**--

Ari's POV

We watched RPattz do things…the way he brushed his hair was very sexy. But, I wasn't allowed to talk or Valerie said she would delightfully bludgeon me with a sledgehammer until my insides begged for mercy. So we watched in silence until my hubby fell asleep.

"Thank god…that took way to long." Valerie said.

"What do you mean? ...it only took like twenty minutes."

"Oh...I only slipped him some sleeping pills."

"Define some."

"I only gave him half of one."

"Wow...that doesn't sound like something you would do Val."

"Oh...I know. But, when that sleeping pill is really a sleeping pill for elephants at the zoo my uncle works at, then it sounds like me."

"YOU GAVE ROB PATTINSON, MY FUTURE HUSBAND, ELEPHANT TRANQUILIZERS!?"

"Yes."

"How long will they take to wear off?" I screeched.

"Um maybe two hours…or less. They knock you out fast, but don't last very long…that's what happens when they are homemade."

"What do you mean 'homemade'?" I asked.

"My uncle made them himself…hence the homemade part."

"By any chance, is this your Uncle Estabar?"

"HE LIKES TO BE CALLED PAPI!"

"Okay can we go now?"

"SURE…wait! NOT YET! Put this on first." She threw me a pair of tight black pants and a back sweater. I put in on quickly. Then she threw me a ski mask, too.

"Valerie, I feel like catwoman."

"I KNOW! Isn't it purrrrrfect?"

"Oh, yeah…" I mumbled sarcastically. "CAN WE GO NOW?"

"OKAY!" We finally got out of the room, and made our way upstairs. We tapped lightly on Jackie's and Jessie's door, as a signal to go, but the lights were off. They probably left already. I held the rope in my hands, while Valerie got the Chloroform ready. When we reached his room I put in the key (Valerie stole one from the lobby) and swiftly opened the door.

"Ari, what ever you do, don't…."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Scream."

He woke up abruptly…his perfect body shaking with Vampire speed. I swooned. Perfection was only two feet away from me.

"Who's there?" OME! I will always remember those as our first words to each other.

Valerie sighed… "Hey…Spunk! Did we disturb you?"

"Well, I was sleeping…Kellan is going to find this funny. Um, do you want my autograph?"

"H.I. R.O.B.E.R.T" I sounded like a retard, breaking up every letter.

"Hi…do you want my autograph?"

"Um, something like that…NOW, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way…either way, it involves Chloroform and rope. You can choose."

"What?" He said confused.

"WERE…KIDNAPPING YOU." Valerie said.

"Will you marry me?" I said, still stunned at his beauty.

"Okay, I'm calling security." He reached for the phone, but Valerie's super awesome Ninja reflexes caught his hand, and she put the Chloroform over his mouth. His beautiful face drifted off into a medically induced sleep.

"Sleep tight…my love." I mouthed to the most beautiful man alive.

"Okay…now we got to hide him and wait for Jessie and Jackie to come with Taylor Launter. Isn't this is fun…we should kidnap people more often…where do you think Stephenie Meyer is right now?"

"NO. We are not kidnapping our Hero…no. Not acceptable, Valerie. How would Breaking Dawn or Midnight Sun come out then?"

"Easy. We hold her hostage with a ransom that says…Gives us the book before she gets hurt. Then we get the book."

"NO! I GOT MY HUSBAND...AND THAT'S ALL WE NEED."

"Sheesh…okay...TO THE BASEMENT!"

"Um…why don't we just go to our hotel room?"

"Ohh…that would work."

We made our way back to our room, holding up RPattz like he was drunk. Valerie talked to him like he was awake, and then put his sunglasses on. It was late, and no one except one guard was on duty. He was by the door in the front of the hotel; no where close to our room, so we could hide him out for a while, as long as we cancelled our room service.

After an hour, Jessie and Jackie came back with Taylor in their arms.

"Whoa, he's heavier than a pot o' gold." Jackie said.

"I'm so hot…that was a hard job" Jessie complained, sweating. **(A/N: that's what she said.)**

"Not really...we had chloroform!" Valerie said.

"Oh, and you couldn't give us any?" Jessie said annoyed.

"Nope. Go bang Taylor."

"Ew…not in this outfit…I'm all sweaty."

"Jessie, hold off the sex; until were out of this place." I said.

"Arghh, fine."

"Val, when should we leave?" I asked.

"When they wake up, so it looks like they are complying."

"Okay."

For the remainder of the night I looked at the beauteous boy in my room. At exactly 5:32 am he yawned; a sign that he was awake. I started screaming in his ear.

"WTF?" He screamed.

"HI!"

"WHERE AM I?" He yelled. "WHY AM I STILL IM MY PAJAMAS? WHO ARE YOU?"

"Hi! I'm Ariana, your fiancée. You're still in your PJ's because we took you when you were sleeping. And you're in our hotel room."

"OH! THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!"

"Really?"

"NO! WHY AM I HERE?"

"Oh…that's an easy question, because we are four crazed fans of Twilight and we kidnapped you." Valerie said.

"Oh. SECUR…"

"SHHHH!" Valerie said. "I have a knife right here, and I won't hesitate to cut your throat…I mean arm." She changed the body place quickly when I stifled a scream.

"What make's you think I can't just run away? I'm 22 and twice your size!"

"Yeah, but where armed." Valerie said.

"WITH WHAT!?"

"Well, I got the weapons…and you see my cousin, Jessie over there, is a sex addict who is not afraid of you!"

"True dat…yo." Jessie said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! NO! FINE! I'LL DO WAT YOU WAN'T JUST DON'T LET HER TOUCH ME!"

"What is with people today…I'm pretty sure I'm irresistible."

"It's your perfume, me' lassie, you smell worst that a poop deck on a pirate ship."

"Ohh. Stupid perfume." Jessie turned around…and saw that Taylor was finally waking up. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"YO, YA KNOW, WHERE AM I?" He said.

"Taylor…guess what?" Jessie said seductively.

"What?" He said.

"I love you! And now I'm going to love you!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YA KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, DON'T TOUCH ME. YOU SMELL, YA KNOW, LIKE A BABY HOOKER." He screamed.

"Told you!" Jackie said, laughing.

"Fine! Later, will have our fun."

"Okay, we should go now." Valerie said.

Spunk sighed and got up, looking like he was about to make a run for it, until he saw Jessie and complied with our demands. We walked to the hotel lobby where a guy who looked our age was watching everybody. He was dressed in a red uniform, so I guessed he worked there. The nameplate, which revealed his name, Kevin, was a dead giveaway.

"Hello ladies, and gentlemen, did you enjoy your stay at the Holiday Inn?"

"Yep." Jessie said quickly trying to get out with Taylor.

"THERY ARE KIDNAPPING US, YA KNOW!" Taylor shouted.

"Damn you, pup!" Valerie screamed. "Look, you're not famous right?" She looked at him seriously while he shook his head no.

"Good. That's what I thought." She smiled. "Now, I wouldn't mind killing you if you don't let us go."

"Um, I really don't care." Kevin said.

"Good." Valerie laughed, relieved.

"But can you do me a favor while you are going outside?"

"Sure."

"Can you tell all the old ladies in the corner to come in?"

"Okay…Why?" Valerie questioned.

"They are hot…man I'd like to get my hands on those…"

"Okay! Enough…god."

We told the old ladies to go inside and we made our way to the car with our boy toys.

"Yay! We won!" Valerie screamed.

"Next stop, me' lassies, and ladies, is Forks." Jackie said.

Jessie was kissing Taylor, and Spunk was holding my hand and praying to himself…he's a charmer.

Le End...of the chapter! (haha-i tricked you)


	14. Author's note news report, not a chapter

AWESOME BREAKING NEWS REPORT

**AWESOME BREAKING NEWS REPORT!**

Okay, so guess what? The whole Twilighter's Anonymous group is going to MEET, her majesty, Stephenie Meyer, at the New York Showing! We got Tickets on Saturday, so I'm happy! If for some reason you find us more exciting than Stephenie Meyer, we will be in the crowd, wearing out own specially designed T-shirts that have our awesome club name, TTSSHUJDHTLSLERMBJJAV, on it. So if you want, play a scavenger hunts with your friends and try to find us. I'll give you an autograph as a reward!!

From,

Ari, Jackie, Jessie, and Valerie!

P.S: Go Review…I want at least 100 on this story


	15. Forks! The Semi Musical Musical

Yay

**Yay! Another chappy! First off, thank you to all who reviewed and favorite-ed this story. You all get a big hug from Edward, and an awesome ninja cookie from Valerie made in California! Second off, Go review some more! I want 100 reviews!! Whoever is the 100****th**** review-er, gets a prize! What is this prize, you may ask? Its an imaginary date with Edward, Jacob, or a vampire of your choice! Oh, and a new poll is up, What Twilight character is the hottest? Also, I'm thinking about making a sequel, if you guys want one! TELL ME IN THE REVIEWS! Xoxo, Me!**

**Chapter 13…Forks, WA 98331, the Semi-musical musical!**

I couldn't believe what just happened. Something possessed us, well mostly me, to kidnap Spunk and Taylor. It goes to show you that too much of Valerie isn't a good thing. But, we were on our way to Forks, and now there was nothing holding us back. Jackie was driving, Jessie was applying another coat of lipstick, Valerie was eating the leftover candy, and I was staring at Rob. He was just so beautiful.

"Jackie, 'ow muck longa is it going to take?" Valerie asked while munching on some Gummy Bears.

"Hold ye horses, me' lassie. It will only take about an hour more."

"Rob! I made a poem for you! Wanna hear it?" I asked, happily.

"No."

"Why not?" I said, heartbroken.

"Um, well, because you kidnapped me, and you are sorta stalker-ish, and you scare me, so no I don't want to hear your poem!"

"Too bad! I call this 'Ode to a Hottie'-

_Robert Pattinson_

_My favorite vampire_

_I love you_

_More than bubbalicous cotton candy flavor bubblegum _

_Will you marry me?_

_FIN_

"Snaps for me! Yay! Wasn't that the best poem ever?!"

"Dude, that didn't even rhyme! It sucked!" Jessie said.

Ignoring Jessie's sucky inner poet, I turned to RPattz, "I know you liked it right Spunk?"

"Um, what will happen if I say no?"

"Valerie will use her ninja skills and suffocate you with a giant cookie from California." (Lol Jessie and Val)

"Okay…then it was the best poem I ever heard." My husband said.

"Ya know, people are gonna, ya know, notice that we are missing, ya know" Taylor said.

"Hey, I never thought about that! Valerie, I am blaming you! Why didn't they think you think about that!?" Jessie screamed in between multiple kisses on Taylor, who looked disgusted.

"I did! Were going to hold them ransom!" Valerie yelped

"For what? We have them, what else would we need?" Jessie screamed.

"The rights to Twilight, and –insert Dr. Evil voice here- 1 billion dollars! Mu haha!" –Insert that weird thing Dr. Evil does with his pinky here-

"Um, earth to Valerie…no one in there right mind would pay ye one billion dollars, they'd just put us in jail, and the FBI would be on our tails!! No! I won't go to Federal Prison, again!" Jackie screamed.

"Jackie, when did you go to federal prison?" I asked.

"Well, there was an incident, in Ireland, with potatoes, and lets just say I'm banned from ever returning there."

"Oh." The rest of said cohesively.

Getting off that subject I returned my attention to the road. A sign up ahead read it was only five miles to Forks! After 15 minutes, I started hearing a buzzing noise.

"Does anyone hear that?" I asked.

"Shh…it's getting clearer!" Jessie whispered.

_  
Little town  
It's a quiet village  
Every day  
Like the one before  
Little town  
Full of little people  
Waking up to say  
Bonjour!  
Bonjour!  
Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!_

"Hey! I didn't know this town was a French colony!" Jessie said.

"Shut up!" Valerie screamed, banging on bongos that just appeared out of nowhere.

_There goes the baker with his tray, like always  
The same old bread and rolls to sell  
Every morning just the same  
Since the morning that we came  
To this poor provincial town_

The baker came up to us, waving fiercely_, "Good Morning, ladies and gents! _

I replied in a singsong voice_, "Good morning, Monsieur." _

"_And what are you ladies up to, today?" _The baker asked.

"_The same as always; kidnapping movie stars, and reading Twilight!" _Valerie replied.

"_That's nice. Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up!"_

Jackie looked at Valerie, "What are these 'baguettes' this plump bakeris talking 'bout?"

"Basically, the French just baked a long stick."

"Oh, I only eat Irish soda bread."

Valerie answered. "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Jessie and I said and we both burst into laughter.

Up ahead, we saw some Forkians staring at us.

_  
Look there they go those girls are strange, no question  
Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?  
Never part of any crowd  
'Cause there heads' up on some cloud  
No denying they are funny girls, oh well!_

I was completely awed. Who knew Forks could have so many people memorize a song and dance for our arrival?

"Wow, this town is so small, everyone knows each other! Look!" Jackie said, pointing down the street._  
_

_Bonjour!  
Good day!  
How is your family?  
Bonjour!  
Good day!  
How is your wife?  
I need six eggs!  
That's too expensive!_

_-Insert instruments here-_

"Hey, I just had an idea! Let's go to the bookstore!" Valerie screamed.

"Why!?" I asked.

"So the rest of the song will make sense!"

"Okay!" We all skipped/danced to the bookstore that we conveniently knew the location of.

"_Ah, Girls!" _Said the bookseller.__

Jackie replied_. "Good morning, sir. I've come to see the books you have."_

The Bookseller looked around and pulled out a book. "Have you ever read this, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer?"__

Jackiesquealed,_ "Yes! Oh, I couldn't put it down! I read it twice!!"_

"Well, do you want to look at anything else?" He said.

"_That's all right. I'll borrow . . . . This one!"_

"Twilight? But you just told me you read it… twice!"

Jackieblushed._ "Well, it's my favorite! Vampires, love, mind-reading!"_

"If you like it all that much, it's yours!" He said handing her the book.

"_But sir!"_

"I insist." He said pushing the book towards her again.__

"Thank you. Thank you very much!"

"Wow, this place is really strange." I mumbled to Jessie, who nodded. After Jackie got her, book the townspeople started signing again._  
_

_Look there they go those girls are so peculiar  
I wonder if they're feeling well  
With a dreamy, far-off look  
And there nose stuck in a book  
What a puzzle to the rest of us, oh well!_

Jackie sat down on a bench, and started reading. We were all happy she got her twilight book back. (A/n Remember in the 1st chapters her mom took it!) Once indulged in the book, she turned to Valerie, still banging on her bongos that mysteriously appeared out of thin air, and started singing…again.

_  
Oh, isn't this amazing?  
It's my favorite part because -- you'll see  
Here's where she meets Edward Cullen  
But she won't discover that he's a vamp 'til they go to Port Angeles!!_

Abruptly, the music stopped.

"HOLY SHIT! THAT'S ENOUGH! I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF IF I HAVE TO HEAR SOMEONE SING ANOTHER WORD!" I turned around to see Robert banging his beautiful head against a wall. "YOU GUYS ARE INSANE! IM GOING TO GO TO THE POLICE STATION RIGHT NOW! HAHAHAH!"

"What the French toast? Dude, if you go to that police station, I'll make up some crazy story, and they will believe me!" Valerie yelled back.

"NO THEY WONT!"

"Yes they will, or I will kill them all, and give you to Jessie!!"

"NOOOOOOO! FINE- I'll be good."

"Good boy! Now we are off to find the Cullen house!"

"Um, Valerie?" Jackie said.

"Yes, my little Irish potato?"

"As, much as I love Twilight, and as much as I don't like upsetting you, or your ninja-ness, I have to tell you…the Cullens aren't real!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Valeria screamed at the top of her lungs, waking up the sleeping Forkies. "TAKE THAT BACK!"

"NO!"

"TAKE IT BACK!"

"NEVER!"

"FINE I'LL JUST FIND THE HOUSE AND SHOW YOU!"

"Fine! I bet you they don't have a house!"

"Of course they do! They need a place to sleep!"

"No they don't! THEY ARE FICTION!"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed! "Both of you are idiots! Now, you make up right now, or we go home!"

"Sorry" Valerie said.

"I'm sorry too, me' lassie!" Jackie replied.

"Good! Now, what are we going to do here?" Jessie said.

"Wow, I actually didn't think about that….this town sorta sucks. It doesn't seem fun."

"Well, that means only one thing!" Valerie yelled.

"What!"

"We buy a bunch of sombreros, rent out a hotel ballroom, and throw a fiesta! AYAYAYAYAY!"

"How bout no…you nut!" Taylor screamed.

"Fine. What do you want to do Mr. Ima big super star who played a shark/boy in a stupid movie?" Valerie said sarcastically.

"Can you, ya know, just, ya know, let us go?"

"No!" We all screamed.

"Fine! I'm putting up a fight then!" Taylor started running down the street. Valerie sighed, and used her super ninja powers to get him back.

"What now bitch?" Valerie screamed.

"Um Valerie?" I said.

"Not now, I'm teaching him a lesson!"

"Valerie, I hear the police!" Jessie yelled.

"Valerie perked up and screamed, "Everybody in the car….NOW!"

"AHHHHHHH! It's the police again! OMEOMOMEOMEOMEOMEOMEOME!" Jackie cried!

"Shut up!" We all went into the car, towing along Rob and Taylor, and Valerie stepped on the gas.

This trip was well wasted. (


	16. AIM! Converstations

Chapter 14…aka AIM

**Chapter 14…aka AIM!**

**KK, another chapter! This time, I went into the great, dark, depths of the netherworld known as Twilight Cliché-y thing # 1! AIM! I love AIM stories, they crack me up, and so I attempted it. Really, the only thing you have to know is the pic we talk about in the convo. Is the Entertainment Weekly shoot, you can see the cover on the Twilight Lexicon, personally, I think it's awesome, minus Rob's chest hair. It goes on sale on Friday July 11****th****! Ohh and I dedicate this chapter, to my favorite song of the moment…PORK AND BEANS BY WEEZER! I love that video…lqtm.**

**Oh and Jackie made a story! It's called the Ultimate Challenge and its just as funny as this. Go read and review that! Xxx!**

_**Back-story!-**__I can't believe the Police were on our tail, again. We barely made it out without handcuffs. Valerie had to leave her cart behind and steal someone else's, so that means she stole the most ostentatious car in the dealership… A yellow Porsche 911. Go figure. After Valerie chloroformed the boys once more, she stuffed them into our club house or as we like to call it, T.T.S.S.H.U.J.D.H.T.L.S.L.E.R.M.B.A.J.J.A.V. School was out for the summer, and I decided to go onto Aim: _

**Chapter 14-AIM! **

OhMyEdwardXxX- Ari

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox- Valerie

IrelandisGreen- Jackie

SexyVampire69- Jessie

IHateLife- Robert Pattinson

YaKnowImTaylor- Taylor Lautner

**OhMyEdwardXxX, UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox, IrelandisGreen, and SexyVampire69 have signed on.**

OhMyEdwardXxX: Hi!

IrelandisGreen: Me' lassie I missed ye!

OhMyEdwardXxX: Dude, I just got dropped off at my house like 1 minute ago, how can you miss me already?

IrelandisGreen: I know, me' lassie, but I just love you so much!

OhMyEdwardXxX: Okay…that isn't awkward in the slightest.

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Yo! Wazzup in the hizzle house?

OhMyEdwardXxX: Never

IrelandisGreen: Again

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: LMFVAO!!

IrelandisGreen: LMFVAO!? What does that mean me' lassie?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Laughing My fing Vampire ass off.

IrelandisGreen: LOL

OhMyEdwardXxX: lqtm

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Lqtm?

OhMyEdwardXxX: Yes, lqtm. Laughing Quietly To Myself. Do you really Lol each time you write Lol?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Yes.

IrelandisGreen: No, you don't

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Yes, I do.

OhMyEdwardXxX: Sigh Never mind…where's Jessie?

SexyVampire69: Wait

SexyVampire69: A

SexyVampire69: Minute…

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: What do you think she's doing?

IrelandisGreen: What is not the question, but who is she doing?

OhMyEdwardXxX: Lqtm

SexyVampire69: I'm here!

OhMyEdwardXxX: So, did you guys see that new E.W. picture of Rob and Kristen?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Yes!

IrelandisGreen: Arghhhhhhhhhhh!

SexyVampire69: I wonder how he got to the photo shoot if he is in our doghouse/ clubhouse…

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: He took it before duh, or, he has a twin brother! Anyways, I love his blue eyes, they are beautiful.

OhMyEdwardXxX: I know!

IrelandisGreen: I love Kristen's eyes! They are green like Ireland! Yay! Ireland!

SexyVampie69: I liked his belt…

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Okay….

SexyVampire69: Wait; let me be more specific, I like how his belt is unbuckled!

OhMyEdwardXxX: HEY! Don't talk about my husband like that!

SexyVampire69: What can I say? He is! You want me to lie and say that he isn't bangable and sexy?? Because I would be lying to myself. And you. And everyone else.

OhMyEdwardXxX: You're just jealous because I married someone greater than God.

SexyVampire69: EDWARD IS GREATER THAN GOD, no matter how undeniably sexy RPattz is.

IrelandisGreen: Calm down me lassies!

SexyVampire69: I'm not going to calm down. I am just saying that Spunk is so hot and sexy and Ariana is getting defensive!

OhMyEdwardXxX: YEAH! BECAUSE HE'S MY HUSBAND!

SexyVampire69: That's what you think. Lmfvao.

IrelandisGreen: Shut Up! I have something to tell you!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: What?

IrelandisGreen: I want to make a Twilight band!

OhMyEdwardXxX: That's an awesome idea! But, we have no music experience what so ever!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: No! I can play the bongos, and sing, and dance, and play the guitar, piano, & xylophone!

OhMyEdwardXxX: Well than, Valerie will be lead singer and bongo-er, and I'll attempt to play the guitar that I have!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Yay!

IrelandisGreen: And we'll be the two backup people who have no purpose!

SexyVampire69: Definitely! Cool, now we need a name!

IrelandisGreen: How about Bella and the Leprechauns?

SexyVampire69: No!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Uncle Estabar!

OhMyEdwardXxX: No

IrelandisGreen: Smokey Desperado!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: OME! YESS!

OhMyEdwardXxX: No! I know something better!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: What is better than that?

OhMyEdwardXxX: Smokey Desperado and the 40 thieves!

IrelandisGreen: Yes!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: OME! THAT'S PERFECT!

SexyVampire69: Why the 40 thieves…aren't they from Aladdin?

OhMyEdwardXxX: Yeah…I love Aladdin.

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: So that's settled. I made a song!

IrelandisGreen: Already?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Yeah. It's called 'Jane!' and it's about Jane from the Volturi!

OhMyEdwardXxX: Let's hear it!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: _Jane, yeah, Jane_

_She's evil!_

_Tremble, on the Floor, Tremble on the Floor!_

_Jane!_

SexyVampire69: That song was…

OhMyEdwardXxX: AWESOME!

**IHateLife and YaKnowImTaylor have signed on.**

IHateLife: Yes! I finally got on!

YaKnowImTaylor: Ya Know, we did it, we're awesome!

IrelandisGreen: Who are ye?

IHateLife: It's Spunk! And Taylor!

OhMyEdwardXxX: Spunk I love you, so, I decided to get one of those online marriage certificates, and so my mom doesn't know I'm marrying anyone, but then well have a ceremony and then our honey moon! And if there's a honeymoon you know what that means!

IHateLife: Oh God…what?

OhMyEdwardXxX: We play chess! Knight to E4!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Wait! How the hell did you get on?

YaKnowImTaylor: Ya know, we found a broken computer, ya know, and we made it work! Ya know.

OhMyEdwardXxX: Which one of you idiots left a computer down there?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Me!

SexyVampie69: WTF! Why would you do that!?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Well, I stole it, and no one could know, so I smuggled it into our clubhouse!

IHateLife: Wow, she's an idiot.

IrelandisGreen: Aye…

SexyVampire69: Rob, I love your EW picture! But, I think it would be better if you didn't wear anything…

IHateLife: WHAT?!

OhMyEdwardXxX: What!

SexyVampire69: You know, let loose, go commando….

YaKnowImTaylor: LMOFAO

IrelandisGreen: No, me laddie! It's LMFVAO!

YaKnowImTaylor: What?

IrelandisGreen: Laugh My F#ing vampire arse off!

YaKnowImTaylor: Oh, ya know…

OhMyEdwardXxX: Why did you guys want a computer anyway?

YaKnowImTaylor: Well, ya know an internet connection is always helpful; ya know when you are trapped in a doghouse. Hey did ya know that there is an 911 . com? LOL.

OhMyEdwardXxX: No! It's lqtm!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Hey I'll brb, guys. **UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox is away.**

IrelandisGreen: What do you think she's doing?

SexyVampire69: IDK…my bff Jill?

IHateLife: I002C h 8yttry ntykmyjhn uhyj98b09vc7 mutr

**IHateLife has signed off.**

YaKnowImTaylor: Hey! No! dbvdjksbvjsdkbvgfesdvbdskj…..LOL!

**YaKnowImTaylor has signed off.**

**UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox has returned from Away.**

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: LMFVAO!

OhMyEdwardXxX: What did you do!?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Lets just say it involved more Chloroform, Rope, and Two men over the age of 15….

OhMyEdwardXxX: Oh My Carlisle. What the hell is wrong you?

IrelandisGreen: Everything.

SexyVampire69: LQTM.

OhMyEdwardXxX: Valerie, DON'T CHLOROFORM MY HUSBAND EVER AGAIN!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Sheesh, sorry…he'll wake up, eventually.

IrelandisGreen: So did you get the computer out?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: What?

OhMyEdwardXxX: The Computer that they had…did you get it out?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Oh shit I knew I forgot something!

IrelandisGreen: Relax, me lassie, I'll go get it.

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Thank you!

OhMyEdwardXxX: So, it was really close when we were leaving Forks, we almost got caught.

SexyVampire69: I know…I can't believe we made it out!

IrelandisGreen: Aye, me too!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: That reminds me! We got caught…the coppers followed me to my house, and towed the car…I'm grounded.

SexyVampire69: WHAT!

OhMyEdwardXxX: Valerie why didn't you tell us!?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Oh, and also, we have a court hearing tomorrow!

IrelandisGreen: WHAT THE HELL! OMEOMEOMOMEOMEOMEOMEOME! Holy shit! Why didn't you tell me! I can't go to jail!

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: APRIL FOOLS!

OhMyEdwardXxX: What?

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: I lied!

SexyVampire69: I hate you.

**SexyVampire69 has signed off.**

OhMyEdwardXxX: You are so lucky you were lying…well, I gtg bye.

**OhMyEdwardXxX has signed off.**

IrelandisGreen: You scared me there for a second.

**IrelandisGreen has signed off.**

UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox: Wait guys! I was joking about joking! There really is a hearing tomorrow! Oh, well what they don't know won't hurt them!

**UncleEstabarRoxMyStolenSox has signed off.**


	17. Bridezillas!

Chapter whatever we are up to now aka Bridezillas

**Chapter whatever we are up to now aka Bridezillas!**

**KK, so on this whole story, there is 91 reviews! Yay... and thanks to everyone who did review. But, I really want to make it to 100 before BD comes out! So I don't care what you say, just review! It can say "I like cookies" I don't care come on! I just need 9 more! NINE! Kk I'm done ranting! Go read.**

After all the shenanigans we had gotten into in the past month, I felt exhausted. Like I hadn't slept in 100 years. So, it was 1:00 in the morning, and I finally climbed into my awesome bed, in my awesome room, which had an awesomely Twilight decorated door. It felt like I had slept for about 3 minutes when I heard a noise. It sounded like…

"HOLY SHIT! ARI, WAKE THE HELL UP!" Said an annoyingly familiar voice.

_It's just a dream, it's just a dream_. I said in my head to try to convince myself that I didn't hear anyone trying to wake me up. But then I heard the voice again, and I knew I wasn't dreaming.

"WAKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

I turned over to my alarm clock, and the time was 5:30 in the morning. Then, I picked it up and threw it at Valerie.

"What are you doing in my room, Valerie!? And more importantly…WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WAKING ME UP?"

"Because, I think you should know something."

"And what is it I should know?" I said grumpily.

"Jessie is planning you a surprise party!" She waved her hands in the air like a moron.

"And I had to know this now? At five fricken thirty in the morning?" I said.

"Yes. Because she said I had to get you ready."

"Valerie, my birthday isn't until another 3 months, are you high? Did Uncl…I mean Papi give you any more drugs?"

"It isn't for your birthday, no I am not high, and yes he did give me more drugs, but they are for kidnapping purposes only. SO GET THE F—K UP!"

"FINE!" I rolled out of bed, put my hair in a sloppy bun, and got dressed. "Now, why am I having a party?"

"I cannot tell you that, it is classified information." She said climbing into her stolen Porsche.

I was getting angrier by the minute. "Well, Valerie, what can you tell me?"

"I can't tell you anything." She said in a demonic voice, giving me the death glare. Valerie scares me sometimes.

"Okay…" I looked out the window and saw we passed Jessie's house. "Valerie, you said Jessie is planning something right?"

"10-4"

"Then why did we just pass her house?"

"Because she said I had to get you ready so I'm getting you ready at my house!"

"Why can't I just get ready myself?"

"BECAUSE YOU CAN'T! NOW STOP ASKING QUESTIONS OR I WILL GO CRAZY ON YOUR ASS!" Valerie calmed down and returned to her normal, crazy self. "You're really angry in the morning, did you know that?"

"Yes, I did. Did you know you're really perky in the morning, and that it makes me want to throw up?" I said flashing her a fake smile.

"I did know that actually! I have Earlybirditude!"

"What?" I said confused.

"Earlybirditude- it's a disease in which you are annoyingly preppy in the morning.

"Valerie, Earlybirditude is not a real disease, let alone word."

"Yes it is! I saw it on Urban Dictionary!"

"Uggh, never mind." Valerie pulled up to her driveway, towing me along. She pushed me into her room, and handed me an outfit.

"Put this on!"

I looked at the outfit, if you could call it one. It was so low cut, even Jessie wouldn't wear it.

"I am not, under any circumstance, putting this on!" I screamed.

"Yes, you are." Valerie yelled back.

"No I am not, and if you try and make me, I'll flush all your drugs from Papi down the toilet!" That shut her up instantly.

"Fine! Well here's some makeup and a straighter, go get ready!" She said pushing me into her bathroom. It was too early to protest, so I did what she said. After straightening my hair for 30 minutes and putting makeup on for ten, I was permitted to get out of her bathroom.

"Oh, you look so perty!" Valerie said with a hillbilly accent.

"Do you have a multiple personality disorder?" I asked her.

"Maybe. I don't know, I have to get that checked out. Now let's go to the surprise party!"

"You know, it isn't really a surprise party because you told me it was a surprise party."

"Whatever, act surprised." Valerie said. We pulled into the local dance club, which I thought would be dead at 6 in the morning, but I guess I was wrong. The club was packed with everyone from my school…except for the Oprah Fangirls, because they still hated me. The music woke me up, and I made my way over to Jessie.

"Jessica, why the hell would you send Valerie, of all people, to wake me up!?" I said screaming over the booming music.

"Because I knew she would hurry your ass up over here!" She said.

"So, what is this party for?" I asked.

Her smile grew really wide, like Heath Ledger as the joker wide. **(A/N So, I never saw a Heath Ledger movie until yesterday, 10 Things I hate about you was on, and I loved it, and he has the most amazing smile in the world...I think I'm in love with him, almost as much as Spunk, Aww now I feel sad he's dead boo RIP! Okay carry on)** "This is your bachelorette party! And mine too!"

I was confused. "Jessie, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about how we are getting married later today!"

"Are you high, did you steal drugs from Valerie, were 16! We can't get married, and to who?"

"Um, you get married to Rob and I get married to Taylor! Duhh. And you can get married at 16; you just have to ask your parents permission."

"You're an idiot, Jessie. This plan will never work."

Jackie chimed in, though I didn't know where she came from.

"Me' lassie, don't be a sore leprechaun. Jessie thought about it, and the plan actually makes sense."

"So what's the plan?" I sighed.

She smiled again, and started. "Well, your parents sort of hate your guts; we all know that, so I don't think they would care if you get hitched. And I'm a spoiled brat so my mom will let me do anything. **(A/N- lqtm, I don't say Jessie's a spoiled brat, to her face.) **And Taylor and Rob still do anything we say as long as Valerie is there to threaten them, so they already agreed."

"What did you do Val to get them to agree to this?" I asked, truly interested.

"It involved num chucks, a bar of soap, and a lettuce leaf. That's all you need to know." She said. "Continue your story Jessie."

"Yeah, so we can marry them!"

"I guess I can't not agree to this right?"

"Right-e-o" Valerie said.

"Okay, then."

"Ari! I bought you a wedding dress!" Jackie screamed. Turning to a chair holding a green dress with shamrocks on it. "Do ye' like it?"

"Jackie, it's green!" I said, disgusted.

"I know, like Ireland! Yay! Ireland!"

"I'm not wearing that, Jackie…it has shamrocks on it!"

"It's either this or the playboy bunny suit Jessie picked out." Jackie said, as I turned to Jessie, who had another weird smile on her face.

I sighed. "I have dresses, I'll wear on of those, get over it."

Valerie then jumped in between us with a pile of Mardi-Gras beads, and yelled. "IT'S PARTY TIME!" And then ran away.

"What do you want to do, me lassie?" Jackie asked.

"Um you dance. I'm gonna go watch Val, she's by the bar."

"Oh, I'll go with you." We made our way over to Valerie, as she bought a drink. When she shot it down, I asked the bartender if there was alcohol in it. He said no, so I was good.

By the time she got to her 12th drink, Val though she was drunk.

"OLE OLE! OLE OLE! IM HOT HOT HOT!" She screamed into Jessie's ear. "WE HAVE A PARTY SONG, THIS FUNDAMENTAL JAM!"

"Ari! What the hell is wrong with Valerie?"

"She thinks she's drunk! Don't ruin the show!"

In the background the song changed, and so did Valerie. She started dancing like she was spazzing, and she sang. "THE LOVEEEEE SHACK IS A LILL OLD PLACE WHERE WE CAN GET TOGETTTHER! LOVE SHACK BABIE!!" I started laughing, trying not to fall over, or pee. "I swear to drunk, I'm God!"

"Um, no you're not." Jessie said cracking up.

"Yeah I am. What you talking bout Willis?"

"Lassie, that's non-alcoholic." Jackie laughed.

"No, it's not! See, I am gonna forget that I just called Jessie a slut!"

"Um, no you're not." I fired.

"I'm not a slut, I'm just very beneficial to friends who need to relax, and who have penises."

"Whoa way too much information!" I said, and then turned to Valerie. "You're not drinking alcohol! Go ask the bartender."

"Fine!" She made her way over to the bar, and sat down clumsily. "Dude, I'm drunk right!" She said slurred.

"No." He said. "You're not 21, so I gave you virgin drinks."

Valerie's face dropped. "Damn." She said slowly. "Shit yo. I really thought I was drunk."

"Well, you're not." I said. "Let's just get this party over with."

So, for the next few hours we danced and sang and acted like monkeys, especially Valerie.

"Okay, it's time to go get ready for our wedding!" Jessie said.

"Okay!" Valerie yelled making her way over to the car, and humming Here Comes the Bride. Once we were at Jessie's house, we made our way over to the backyard, so Jessie could show us the decorations. The whole backyard was transformed. Pink and white bows and ribbons were hanging off of her balcony, and white chairs were lined up by an alter. There was a DJ setting up in the corner, and someone shouting at them.

"Who's that, Jessie?" I said pointing to the shouting girl.

"That's the party planner."

"Mate, how long ago did you plan this extravaganzarrrrrrrrgh?" Jackie said, using her pirate voice.

"Once we kidnapped them, I had a vision of marring Taylor, so now I am!"

"I still have a bad feeling about this Jessie. Are you sure about this?" I asked.

"Absolutely! Like the Vodka!"

"Okay…." I said, pondering her sanity. Valerie _was_ spending way to much time with her. We made our way up to the room, to a tied up Rob and Taylor.

"Okay boys, time to get ready!" Jessie yelled. She said pulling out two tuxes. "But, first we have to get you naked, or at least semi-naked!" She said, pulling off Taylor's cloth we shoved in his mouth to get him to shut up.

"Ya know we could do it ourselves, ya know…" Taylor ranted.

"I know, but that wouldn't be much fun for me now would it?" Jessie said kissing his cheek.

"EW, you know, I really despise your guts, all of you. But, especially you, and your cousin." Taylor shouted.

"Thank you!" Valerie said, pulling off Rob's cloth thing. "I fell even more special than I already am!"

"HELP! I'M GETTING MARRIED AGAINST MY WILL TO A LITTLE GIRL!" Rob screamed.

"Do you want me to get the num-chucks out again? Valerie sighed as he instantly shut up. I don't even want to know, I thought to myself.

"Fine but don't think I'm going to be nice to you." He said pointing to me.

"Dude, I don't care. I personally don't like this plan, even though you're a hottie, and I am madly in love with you. And I want to have your babies, but still, no one listens to me. I'm just the narrator." I explained.

"Well, at least you still have some of your sanity left." He mumbled.

"COME ON! LET'S GET THIS SHINDIG ON THE ROAD!" Valerie shouted.

"Aye, mate." Jackie agreed pulling me away from my personal god.

After several hours of being primped by Jackie, me and Jessie were gonna get married! Yippee (sarcasm-my fear old friends.) Valerie was complaining of having a hang over to get out of helping us get ready.

We went outside and everyone took their seats. Taylor and Spunk were handcuff to a pole in the middle of them. That was convenient. The band started playing the wedding march and we walked down the isle. Once we got up, Pastor Lee **(A/N – yes that's really my pastor! And Jessie and Valerie's, not Jackie, she goes somewhere else. D Ahh good times. Continue…) **started talking.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered hear today-"

"HURRY UP OLD MAN." Valerie shouted. "I'm in a hurry!"

"Fine. Say I do."

Four I do's filled the air, as "aws" were said by the audience.

"Okay, you're married go kiss now." Jessie and I leaned in. I can't believe this plan worked. I'm amazed. Just as I pucker upped my lips, an ominous sound came.

"STOP! IN THE NAME OF-"

"Love?" Valerie sang. "Before you break my heart."

The guy looked confused. "NO, the police!"

"Oh, shit…I got the lyrics wrong!"

"How did they know?" I screamed.

"We got a tip that two actors were being kidnapped by a person in a yellow Porsche and her accomplices. We contacted the kidnapper with a court order."

"VALERIE! Why didn't you tell us?" Jessie yelled.

"AYE!" Jackie chirped in.

"I did, only after you guys signed off."

"IDIOT!"

"Okay, 9I think we should run now!" Valerie yelled.

We all got up and ran.

"Run!" Valerie screamed to me and Jessie.

"It sorta hard, running in high heels!" I screamed back. "I really hate you guys."

* * *

**joyous news awaits thee! Well, Team Edward People anyway. So its Monday, which means the EW article just came out, and unless you live under a rock you should know that, BELLA AND EDWARD INDEED GET MARRIED! Yay! That means Jacob doesn't get Bella, so hahah! I love life, oh and go REVIEW! Oh, and this story isn't going to be updated until like August 16 or later. Cause August 1st Me meeting Stephenie Meyer with the rest of the TA gang, August 2nd BD day AND Jessie's B-day(see my awesome play on words? huh?) August 3rdFinish Breaking Dawn. The rest of the days Me writing this story! Okay, GO REVIEW SOME MORE!**


	18. Not an AN but not a Chapter either

ATTENTION

**ATTENTION! IF YOU ARE VAL, OR HAVE NOT READ BREAKING DAWN, DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER!! UNLESS, YOU WANT TO BE SPOILED. --**

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**Don't keep looking!-- --Your gonna be spoiled, like milk on a hot summer day when your fridge isn't in running order.-- --If your reading this, and not Breaking Dawn, your gonna be mad, I'm spoiling everything. --WARNING! WARNING! AN ICE CR4EAM TRUCK VENDOR IS STEALING BREAKING DAWN FROM YOUR TABLE! --HEY LOOK A LEOPLORADON CHARLIE! IT'S A MAGICAL LEOPLORADON ON YOU COPY OF BREAKING DAWN! NO LEO THE LEOPLORADON, DON'T EAT MY COPY OF BREAKING DAWN! NOOOOOOOO! --(Cant say I didn't warn ya. D)**--

**Okay, I felt like the story needed an update, but I haven't even started the next chapter so this Chapter/Note is going to be me, giving you a run down of how I liked Breaking Dawn!**

**Also, special thanks to D.Sunny.D for being the 100****th**** reviewer…you're gift is Edward, not really! Just this Chapter-y thing. **

Okay, so first off, our trip to NYC was great! Justin was such a good musician, we met a girl from North Dakota named Anne, and I said "thanks" to Stephenie Meyer!

**OUR CONVERSATION:**

**SM: Hi! How are you?**

**ME: THANKS! –Mentally slaps herself for being an idiot-**

No lie, I was totally star struck.

**NOW THE REAL SHIT!**

So if you read Breaking Dawn, I really would like to know your opinions. I would like to say, I love the Series as a whole, but this book really, eh, annoyed me. And it seems like I am the only one that was major-ly disappointed.

I thought it was like, too over the top.

Since when could Bella have a baby with Edward?

Really I would like to know. First off, in the book, Carlisle goes off explaining that Vampires have 25 Chromosomes, Ware- nope sorry Aro, _Shape-Shifters,_ have 24, and Humans have 23. Right. Okay, now that I know I suck at Biology, I am lost. Why couldnt he just say, Ummm yeah, they had sex, and made a baby. Make it easy on me. But, didnt Stephenie say when youre a vampire you have only venom in your system. Sperm is not Venom! THAT iseasy to figure out, even if your not a scientist! (HA, Jackie!) Okay, I know Stephenie is not a scientist, like me (!), so I won't hold that against her, but she seemed like she read too much Bad FAN FICTION.

_**SM: Hmm, I hate writers block. I need an idea. Ohh, I know! Let's see what's on ! **_

_**-Looks, up countless stories-**_

_**SM: Whoa, Bella. Pregnant? Hmm. I should try that out, though I have said before Vampires are stones that cant make sperm come out of there privates! Oh well!**_

Another thought about the baby, and this is just my own opinion, again, but I hate the name!

Renesmee Carlie Cullen? Way to be creative. I feel like if it was a boy it would Edcob Aliela (Edward + Jacob and Alice + Angela.) I just don't like that name. But the nickname, Nessie, fits the little monster, doesn't it?

Oh! I called her a monster! Do I take that back? NO! When you start tearing your mother's placenta up, crack 2 ribs and break her spine, you can consider yourself a monster. Or the fact she likes biting people, or the fact she likes blood when she can eat food. That's called cannibalism! I think?

Why wasn't this book called A Midsummer's Night Dream 2?

Now, I know that SM has said this book was **loosely** based off of the play, but she said **loose. Loosely** would be if Jake got up and said something like "Bella has Edward- I shouldn't still be in love with her." That's **loose**. But imprinting on a ½ Vampire baby? Ohkaaaaayyyy. That is NOT loose!

I find it funny Jake could even look at the thing. He hated Vampires, he hated Edward. But yet he falls in love with a thing that is Half Vampires, and Half Edward's? Surely. Hey, whatever floats his boat? But, I am still under the impression of Eclipse Jake who loved Bella way to much and was all like "Ahh Kiss me Bella or Ill go die!" I was just way too used to him being all mushy for Bella for him to imprint on Residue or whatever the little thing is called.

Another point is, Bella totally was in love with her little Evil Spawn, and not Edward. I found this sort uf unnerving. Im not a mother, but I know Mother's would do anything for there babies, they love them unconditionally. But Bella always loved Edward that way too, so I didn't understand why at one part she was all like. "I have to save my baby! I don't care about Eddie anymore!" YOU CAN LOVE THEM BOTH! But whatever.

OCD POV OOC _and_ OC?

In the first 3 books, SM did not switch the POV, except for the very last part, because it was necessary to show Jacob's grief for loosing Bella, which wasn't really all there because he wound up in love with someone else. Now, wouldn't it be smart to keep the POV down to Bella? It has always been from Bella's POV and I really feel like she changed so much in this book, not just appearance wise that we should have heard more of her thoughts. But, to tell you the truth, I liked Jake's part the best- and I hate Jacob Black. He actually added some normalcy into the book, because this book was so OOC.

Speaking of OOC-ness, I think Rosalie has a mood disorder. In Twilight she was all like "Ew, Bella's human! I hate her!" In New Moon she's like, "OMG! LET'S GO TELL EDWARD BELLA DIED SO HE CAN KILL HIMSELF!" In Eclipse she's all like "Bella! I was raped so now you must feel bad for me." And then in Breaking Dawn she is like. "Let Bella die! I don't care; I want the little mutant baby! GIVE HER TO ME OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE WANNA-BE HUMAN VAMPIRE." Bella wasn't very relatable either, but I'm not getting into that, cause STEPHENIE DID ON THE Twilight Lexicon, go look it up if you want.

Okay, NOW! There were like 2990327532 new Characters in the book. It was way to much to handle, even with the guide in the back, I can't event remember their names now! Except Garret, he's cool.

_Okay, so that is my feelings. I definitely liked the book, but it was my least favorite out of the series, except for the almost fight at the end, and when Bella could show Edward what she was thinking, that was so romantic. Tell me yours! _


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